Offs.

Apparently Gran's brain is getting restricted blood flow due to her thyroid medication. Now, she's been taking that stuff for as long as I can remember. Why the hell would it affect her now? Stupid doctors not wanting to accept that she has a fucking problem because then she'd be their problem. Grr.

Things have been really patchy with Francis, but he's going for anger management, because he actually drove me to the point where I was going to swallow a load of weedkiller.

Becca and Jake have been patchy too, I feel awful because they're really good for each other, and I'm friends with them both. I don't like seeing them angry and hurt with each other. =/

Haven't blogged in a while. It's all really really hectic right now, what with Gran, Dad, TJ's adoption going through, exam stress, looking for a house, getting ready to leave school...

Dear God why?

EXAMSTRESS!!!

The teachers are telling us to start revising, then piling homework on us that has nothing to do with revision... Qu'est ce que le point?

I'm under so much stress tbh. Gran's ill, Dad's depressed/stressed/volatile, exam stress. I'm going to fail. I haven't done any of the course, and the stress/depression/bullying by teachers and students alike is really bothering me.

Why do they care if I'm engaged? They don't know me.

New Year... New Illness?

Diabetes? How odd. I suppose it fits. The constant thirst, the tiredness, the weight loss, though I'm eating a helluva lot more. The craving for sugary drinks, and savoury food. I've completely gone off sweet foods. They just make me feel sick half the time.

Went to the doctors today. He was a complete asshole.
I FUCKING HATE DR OSTROWSKIE. HE COULDN@T JUST TAKE A BLOOD SUGAR TEST, OH NO! Big fucking needle to the elbow. Wouldn't stop bleeding.And then he shouted at me for smoking, even though the rest of the doctors have told me it's not a good idea just yet due to all the stress.And then he fucking attacks me with a fucking flu jab. THE BASTARDING PRICK! The results won't come back until Monday now. Which means if I do have it, I'll have to be dragged outta school... Deep joys..."It's very unlikely..." WELL THE OPTICIAN TOLD ME TO GET CHECKED OUT, AND I HAVE ALL THE SYMPTOMS ASSHOLE!!! GRR.

Happy Birthday Andrew.

My baby boy is six today. I miss him so much.

Aint It Just Peachy?

Was on the verge of a breakdown earlier today. All of my teachers called me brainless.
My English teacher ranted about something that was NOTHING to do with her. Some stupid thing about food parcels for poor people. Told us we thought about no one but ourselves. Haahaa... Stupid bitch. So yeahh, I lost it. Got into lotsa trouble, then couldn't stop crying in Mod Stud. My teacher didn't notice, due to me being very quiet about it. Needed to have a full scale bawl, but the damned pride wouldn't let me.

Finally washed my hair avec shampoo tonight. OMG. My hair is clean! :D

I Find It Kinda Funny, I Find It Kinda Sad...

My dad used to say it was me and him against THEM. I once thought he was being a little extreme. He's not.

In pleasant spirits, on my way home from a day out with the girls, and Macy, I decided to drop in on my grandparents, to get my dresses, as I need to think about what I'm taking down to Cymru.

Well, I was very nice, complimenting my grandmother on her new skirt. Asking how they were, being cheerful and civil. She started on me, saying I'd accused her of what happened.

Said she's take me to court. My grandad started on me then.

They accused me of lieing, of making it all up. Why would I lie about something like that?
They threw out my black dress. The one I wore when Francis came up. My favourite dress.

I'm just complaining now...

Hair loss is exceptionally bad.
Like, clumps.
Bugger.
Need conditioner!!!

Fuck It.

Children are an odd subject for me. I love them, yet they scare me, I can be very awkward around them. Or I can be fantastic with them.

Francis has changed the way I see children. I always never wanted to have children of my own, was adamant in that respect. I've changed my mind now. I would love to have them.

But now, after thinking deeply about it, I'm not sure I could.
For medical reasons:
My liver is Fcuked.
My eating disorder would get awfully bad, due to me being paranoid about putting on weight.

Mental reasons:
My eating.
Depression.
Needles.
Hospital.
My experiences. (I couldn't have all those invasive examinations.)


It's really sad, because (Not being big headed here) I think I'd make a great mum, and loads of people agree! I know I'd just get panicky, and end up getting ill.

I've done some research, and it turns out a lot of people are like that.
I hope I'll be better by the time I want to have kids. I really do.

My Self Righteous Suicide...

What left is there to hurt or harm me? What have I not been through?
I've lived a thousand lives of agony, and that's all I have left to call my own. That and my pride. My inability to talk about these things. None of them how bad it is, to feel so alone, to feel that death is the only way out.

Dad, you've done all you can, but you can't stop it. I love you, and you don't have to feel hurt anymore. It will all go away now.

Francis, it'll hurt like hell for a while. But things will get better, and then you can go back to living your life. I won't be around to hurt you anymore, to say all those horrible things, to worry you. It'll be okay, I promise.

We can leave this world,
Leave it all behind,
We can steal this car if your folks don’t mind,
We can live forever if you’ve got the time.

I’ll tell you all how the story ends
Well, the good guys die and the bad guys win (who cares?)
It ain’t about all the friends you made
But the graffiti they write on your grave

For all of us to have seen the light,
Salute the dead and leave the fight,
Who gives a damn if the *something I can’t hear*
Let the walls come down, let the engines roar.

To Francis.

Okay, okay, you were right. I'm not feeling any different, just this indescribable and never easing loneliness.
I don't know why I do these things, I just want to make the pain go away, that's all. Do you know what it's like to spend every waking moment wishing you were dead? I do. It never ever goes away, and nothing makes me feel better. Talking to you just makes me feel worse that you're not here, that you are too far away to help, to be there.

I don't know what makes me do the things I do. It's just never ending. It never stops, never gets easier.
You think that it does, but then, WHAM! Something else hits you, and knocks you sideways, and you don't recover from it for a while. When you do, something else comes along.

And that's when the self harm comes in. Like I said, something comes up, I start to self harm. After a few weeks or months, I try to stop, and things get really difficult. I get really volatile, because I'm not able to cope the way I usually do. Something big happens, I do it all again.

And the nightmares. The never ending nightmares. The faces in the dark, the taunting.
Half of the time I physically don't know what I'm doing, and I can barely remember what I've done.
Like last night.

I keep hurting you and I can't stand it. But I couldn't cope with losing you.
I've lost what it's like to be a human being, to feel, to laugh and cry.
I'm just nothing now, just an hollowed out, empty shell.

Stop the ride, I want to get off.

I went to the Mental Health Clinic today.
But now I feel crappy. And I mean fucking crappy.
Like I want to-well, you know what I mean.

I don't know why. I am calm, collected. I know exactly what to do, how to do it. None of them know. I can't tell them.

Francis hasn't noticed. I've not hidden the emptiness in my voice. He feels pretty down. It was the anniversary of his uncle's death.

I'm hallucinating. I'm seeing things out of the corner of my eye, just little things, not enough for me to say that it's a spirit or anything.

I want to tell him, I guess. But not. He can't talk me out of it. I don't want him to try, or to know.

Things are looking up. And yet I'm feeling worse. A few weeks, and I could feel better. I don't want to wait. I'm going to Wales in a week and a half. Do I want to wait until afterwards? No.

Stop the ride, I want to get off.

Another Year, Gone.

I wonder what 2011 has in store for me. Stupid question really. It has the same things. Some more pain, some more suffering, some more dying. On the inside, at least.

And what have I done this year? Well, me family are gone. They don't know me, don't want to. The only one I have left is my Dad. No grandparents, no mother, no brothers or sisters. I have Francis and his parents, but no family.

If you'd told me this last year, well, I probably would have believed you. On the 3rd of December last year, I was living with Carla. I was back with Darren.

This year? Let's not even go there. It's not worth going into.

Is this what every year is destined to be like? Last year, I went back to my mother. This year, I can't. I can't ever go back.

Life goes on I suppose. Mine's is beyond the mundane, beyond all the fantastical notions of a close knit family, of love and happiness.

But would I rather it was someone else? No. I can struggle through it. I have struggled through it. I am who I was meant to be, and nothing is going to change that. And for better, or for worse, I'll continue to struggle through, and maybe, just maybe, I can make a difference to this cold, dark, bleak world.

So Sharon (My biological mother) wants nothing to do with me. She wants me to be nothing to do with the rest of my family either.

My five years old brother, who turns six on the 15th, looks up to me as his own mother. Now, I have 5 siblings down there. On the 22nd, they move to England. Explain to me HOW THE FUCK THIS IS FAIR…

If I went down, I’d not speak to her. I’d want to take the kids out, and I think that’s my right as their fucking sister!

My dad’s doing his nut, trying to look for coaches down to Cardiff, in an attempt to salvage my Yule…

I really do not care any more.

Wtf is the point of looking on the bright side, WHEN THERE ISN’T FUCKING ONE???

Apologies for the extended use of expletives as a vent. I am honestly too fucked off to type legibly... :@:@:@:@:@:@:@:@

Misery Loves Company...

My Gran and Dad are really starting to get to me.

So far, she's said:
That basically, it was my own fault for that night out, that girls wearing short skirts bring that on themselves. (I was wearing jeans and a polo shirt under a hoodie)
That I stole the laptop. (It's my dad's!!!)
That this is all my fault.
I'm causing loadsa trouble.
I'm a thief.

I am none of these and it fucking hurts that she accuses me of it. :(

I Can't.

I grew up hearing raised voices. It was the signal for me to try to distract my sister and my younger brothers. To try and pretend it wasn't happening.
Raised voices always meant a fight. Once upon a time, it was my mother and her boyfriend. Then it used to be me.

Nowadays, well, I expect every argument to turn to blows. It seemed to me that way, and nothing's really changed for me to come out of that viewpoint.

When my Gran and Dad argue, it's like I'm ten years old again. I feel helpless and scared. I'm standing in the middle of it all, and I can't do a thing.

SOCIAL SERVICES MY ASS

I DON'T THINK SO *MADRE*
IT HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO.
KINDLY FUCK OFF OUT OF MY LIFE.
LIKE, FOR REAL THIS TIME.
AS YOU'VE AFFECTIONATELY TOLD ME SO MANY TIMES, GO JUMP OF A BRIDGE...
NO, SERIOUSLY.
SOCIAL SERVICES...
YEAH, RIGHT. OKAY, WHY?
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO?
ALL THE SOCIAL DO IS SPLIT APART FAMILIES THEY SHOULDN'T, AND KEEP FAMILIES TOGETHER THAT SHOULD BE SPLIT UP.

I swear to God, *mother* if you keep reading this, I will hunt you down and kill you...
No, not really. But I may have to do something. Since you don't want me in your life, I'd prefer it if you kept out of mine.
You forget, you're the own who disowned me countless times, kicked me out once, kicked me out twice, not just out of the house, no, BUT OUT OF THE FRANKING COUNTRY.

Well, that other little rant over, I've been so crappy today...
Have drunk one string coffee, and three caffeine filled energy drinks. I THINK I MAY HAVE TO EXIST OFF THESE FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS.

Two English reading exams, which were so easy I couldn't do them, I swear there was some hidden agenda. There is no way it was that easy...

English writing was quite fun...

Then I had History. I got really frustrated because I wasn't sure how to do it. It's not like any other exam, where you have to answer all the questions, you have to pick one essay and three sets of questions, but you have to pick specific questions.

I'm starting to crash again... I need caffeine...

(8)Dead(8)

From my other blog, yesterday...
Skylines and Turnstiles… I need to stop getting stuck in those things…

I think today has probably been one of the worst days of my life…

Until tomorrow at least…

Let’s think…

* My brother was involved in a car crash. His fiancee was in resusc. Thankfully it was just severe whiplash. The car was totalled, and Danielle had to be cut out of the car. Thank God my baby nephew wasn’t in the car, he would have been killed.
* I got served my eviction notice. I got kicked out today. Now I’m living with my dad, sleeping on the sofa while my eighty year old gran, who has dementia, is forgetting what’s been happening, and starting a million and one arguments, which I’ve been in the middle of. On Monday I’m going to speak to my teacher, and see if I can get hold of Social Services. It’ll take one thing off my dad’s mind.
* My Preliminary examinations start on Monday. I will fail. I have absurdly high stress levels, with no sleep and a severe mental imbalance.

This whole thing may trigger off my eating problems.





Today, well, I discovered something about myself that I never knew, or rather, didn't remember, because a child's brain is sort of programmed as it were, to push traumatic experiences to the back of their mind. It only took three weeks of nightmares and a mention from my dad to remember. Oh God.
I think I may have a complex about the word "Uncle" for the rest of my life. Oh shit. I can't close my eyes without seeing a scared little girl, not able to tell anyone, dreading to go to that place. I can't believe it. Abused physically and mentally by one guy, abused another way by another. Oh God. I can't deal with this.

Francis got really upset over it. His exact reaction, after I hinted at it, was to text, saying, "Aww no!!! Baby, my poor Fiona. The fucking arsehole, what happened baby? x x x x x"

I've been like a little kid all week, crying myself to sleep every night.
You know, after the past few months, sleeping in a bed would be heaven...

I can't stop crying, and I just want one thing, one thing that will make it all better...

I don't care anymore.

Some Little Quotes...

Don't hold strong opinions about things you don't understand.

My time has come, and so I'm gone. To a better place, far beyond. I love you all as you can see. But it's better now, because I'm free.

Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothings right.


I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying.

Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok again.

I guess there comes a point where you just have to stop trying because it hurts to much to hold on anymore.

You say I'm always happy, and that I'm good at what I do, but what you'll never realize is, I'm a damn good actress too.

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.

Tired of living and scared of dying.

I don't necessarily want to be happy; I just want to stop feeling miserable.

Don't fall into the trap of pretending everything's fine when you know it isn't.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

I'm just learning how to smile, and that's not easy to do.

Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone, then to cry all alone.

I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled the one who could brighten up your day, even if she couldn't brighten her own.

Just when I thought my life was coming together, I realized it was just starting to fall apart.

Stop the world I wanna get off.


I bleed for you that's why I cut those simple scars are just deep thoughts.

You bleed just to know your alive.


Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can't fire me, I quit.

I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left.


Everything that ever caused a tear to trickle down my cheek, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more.

It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away.

You start life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been and wonder who you really are.

I don't know if I'm getting better or just used to the pain.

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

Maybe I am crazy but laughing makes the pain pass by.

I love sleep. My life has this tendency to fall apart when I'm awake.

I know what its like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you can't; how you hurt yourself on the outside; to try to kill the thing that's in the inside.


Even the people who never frown eventually breakdown.

How can you understand me when I can't understand myself?

I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being.

It's like I realized that way down inside, I've always been lonely for something. But I don't know what for. It's like everybody in the world want's something. Only they never really know exactly what it is - they just keep finding out what it's not. You know how, when you turn off the TV or you come out of some concert, and everything just feels empty? Like you thought that would be what you wanted, and then it wasn't?

You look at me and think, 'she's so happy' but there's so much behind this little smile that you will never know.

Do you ever have those times you cry and you don't know why?

People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and pain. Well I've tried that I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in smiles and what I've learned is that when it hurts this much inside your heart always has a way of showing it no matter how many masks you wear.

Let no one think I gave in.

The pain is there to remind me that I'm still alive.

It seems to me that the harder I try the harder I fall.

Refuse to feel anything at all, refuse to slip, refuse to fall, can't be weak, can't stand still, watch your back because no one else will.

There's no excuse for the need to take your own life away, everyone passes through some rough obstacles if life, just face them as they come along, there's always a way to overcome those obstacles, and learn from your experiences.

If you can't solve it, it isn't a problem - it's reality. And sometimes reality is the hardest thing to understand and the thing that takes the longest to realize. But once it hits you in the face you'll never forget it. It will always be there in your memories and sometimes that is the best way to look at it.

It's funny the way you can get use to the tears and the pain.

What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care?

You can't just hug me and say it's okay because right n... it doesn't feel that w...

Sometimes the littlest thing in life changes something forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can't because things have changed so much.

I just wish I could roll back the clocks to when things were the same... then we were all just a bunch of crazy teenagers looking for a wild time. But now, thing aren't the same. Each of us have gone our different ways. We change, people change, things just change, and we aren't those crazy teenagers looking for a wild time anymore. We're teenagers looking for a person to love and a person to hug when we're in need.

Sometimes I think that if I wasn't so good at pretending to be, I'd be better at actually being happy.

Her sadness did not have that. It dripped slowly into her life without her noticing it, at least, not noticing it until it consumed her fully and smothered her with darkness.

I quit, I give up, nothing's good enough for anybody else, it see... when Im all alone it's best way to be. When I'm by myself nobody else can say good-bye. Everything is temporary anyway.

Everybody's searching for a hero. People need someone to look up to. I never found anyone who fulfilled my need... a lonely place to be, and so I learned to depend on me.

Pain is your friend, it tells you when you're seriously injured, it keeps you awake and angry but the best thing about it is it lets you know that you're alive.


I have a tendency to hurt myself physically, when I'm hurting inside.

When your sure you've had enough of this life... don't let yourself go... because everybody cries... everybody hurts sometimes... sometimes everything is wrong.

Some of us are just trying to get through the day without falling apart.

Every night before I go to sleep I lie on my bed and stare up at my blank walls. I try to imagine the future, but right now it's as blank as those walls. All I can see is a past that I barely recognize any more.


I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand.


Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you'll never know me.


There's a smile on my face but I don't know why it's there... I put it on to satisfy all the people that don't even care.


I'm often silent when I am screaming inside.


The deepest people are the ones who've been hurt the most.

Someone once asked me, 'Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?' I replied, 'Why do you assume I see two roads?'

Wear a mask that grins and lies, it hides our cheeks and shades our eyes. The debt we pay to human guile, with torn and broken hearts, we smile.

Sometimes I feel like nobody has held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or seen to the inside of me. I just say 'oh I'm fine' and walk away. Nobody's ever said to me 'no you're not'.

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being along never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

Some people try to understand, but nobody can know what living like this is like.


You never know when you wake up, if all will be the same, or if you'll be back in your dark place, again to feel the pain.


No one can see the pain what we hide, they're happy for us to keep it inside, our fear is our own; they don't want to know. Why should we involve them; why should it show.


Our generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives.


So drop the little razor, and pick up your life, forget all the bad things, the pain and the strife.


I'm not my usual self being quiet and lonely isn't 'me' crying all night, acting all day this isn't how it's supposed to be.

I'm hurting so bad inside I just wish you could see... I'm struggling to be someone that isn't even close to me.

Beware the person who has nothing to lose.

In the end, music is your only friend.

When your going thru hell... it's best to just keep on going...


What's the point in screaming? No ones listening anyway.


I'm young and I'm hopeless... I'm lost and I know this... I'm going nowhere fast... that's what they say... I'm troublesome, I've fallen... I'm angry at my Father... it's me against this world and I don't care.

She's not the kind of girl who likes to tell the world about the way she feels about herself.

Did it surprise you that I am not who you thought I was? Did it surprise you to find that I don't exactly stand for what you thought I stood for all along? Did it surprise you to find that I'm not exactly how I played myself out to be? That the person you thought I was is actually nothing to what I am.

Everyone sees who I appear to be but only a few know the real me, you only see what I choose to show there's so much behind my smile you just don't know.

I like having low self-esteem it makes me feel special.

Take it from someone who's fallen... it's a long way down.

They say you need to pray, if you want to go to heaven. But they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell.

The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality.

The beautiful thing about music is when it hits you, you fell no pain.

True strength is holding it together when everyone else would understand if you fall apart.

The only thing worse then being hated is being ignored. At least when they hate you they treat you like you exist.

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.

Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around.

She is the quietest kind of rebel.

She could shut out the whole world, including herself.

Our scars have the power to remind us that the past is real.

Nothing can stop me now because I don't care anymore.

In that one instance I hated everyone in my life, everyone and everything, and me most of all.

She was like a flower that had been battered by a storm, but not quite destroyed. Gradually, she began to strengthen and bloom again.

She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad and that's important you know.

I'll fake all the smiles, if it stops all the questions.

Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words left unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeated inside my head.

I've been a loser all my life. I'm not about to change. If you don't like it, there's a door. Nobody made you stay.

But its ironic because that's how I live my life. I smile on the outside, and everyone thinks I'm doing fine but I'm always dieing inside, always one step away from the edge you know? I can't be happy to be who I am because I don't know who I am anymore.

Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.

I just realized that were all a bunch of actresses and we've fooled everyone into believing that we're all okay... I'm just waiting for the day when I can convince myself of that.---Jupiter_Girl

I smile, I smile all the time, you're just not around to see it.

I just like playing games with people, I always hope there'll be someone smart enough to see through me but you're all so stupid.

I'm so happy, cause today I found my friends, they're in my head.---Kurt Cobain

I wouldn't be surprised if I was voted most likely to kill everyone at a high school dance.--- Kurt Cobain


I'd rather hang out with the losers that would sit and smoke a cigarette than the ones who wanted to throw a baseball.---Kurt Cobain


All rock music is good as long as it has passion and feeling---Kurt Cobain


If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got.---Kurt Cobain

QUIET! I can't hear you & all the voices in my head at the same time!

If you hold back your feelings because you are afraid of getting hurt, you end up hurting anyway.

Not all scars show. Not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels.

When you quit fearing pain, when you learn to love the pain, you will lose all fear of everything.

Just because some people don't cry, doesn't mean they're not suffering.

I cut to prove to you that you are not the only one that can hurt me.

The sky isn't always blue. The sun doesn't always shine. So it's okay to fall apart sometimes.

You do it to yourself... and that's why it really hurts.

I used to have many faults, not I have only two - everything I say and everything I do...

I've come to the point where nothing matters anymore, and things I used to care about aren't worth fighting for.

I am not what I ought to be, not what I want to be, but I am thankful that I am better than I used to be...

Those who say sunshine brings happiness have never danced in the rain.

I'm not afraid of the gun in my hand, I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just afraid of the pain it will bring, and to see my best friends crying.


Are you running away from something you don't want? Or running away from something you're afraid to want?

I wear my scars proudly. They represent the battles through which I have gone, and I am proud because those battles I have won.


You have no idea what I can do.


The insane are sane and the sane are insane in a world of craziness.


It is a truth universally acknowledged that the moment one area of your life starts going okay, another part of it falls spectacularly to pieces.

I believe in whatever gets you through the night. Night is the hardest time to be alive. For me, anyway. It lasts so long, and four am knows all my secrets. Four am is when my dreams die.


No matter what you do or say, there's nothing that you can do to make people understand you.---Kurt Cobain


Damaged people are dangerous, they know they know they can survive.

People dislike alcoholics, but they still drink at parties. People sit in non-smoking section in restaurants, but still enjoy the occasional nicotine jolt. People have strong feelings against self-injurers, but they also take all their emotions out on other people.


Such a pretty girl, happy in an ugly place. Watching all the pretty people do lots of ugly things.


The apple fall far from the tree she's rotten and so beautiful I'd like to keep her here with me and tell her that she's beautiful she takes the pills to fall asleep and dreams that she's invisible tormented dreams she stays awake recalls when she was capable...


Without pain, there would be no suffering, with out suffering we would never learn from out mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there's no way of life.

If I would kill myself tonight, who would remember me tomorrow?


No more joy - No more sadness - No emotion - Only madness. I can't see. I don't feel. I can't touch. I don't heal.


There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.


Skin is beautiful, don't ruin it with scars just because your life isn't as beautiful. For once life becomes beautiful to you again, your skin wont be so beautiful anymore.


Life it seems, will fade away drifting further every day getting lost within myself nothing matters no one else I have lost the will to live simply nothing more to give.


I am sad but I'm laughing.

Everybody knows that something's wrong but nobody knows what's going on.

We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?


The question isn't 'who is going to let me'; it's 'who is going to stop me'.


And sometimes I have really bad day... when, you know, I just want to hide or scream or bleed or something...

Scar tissue has no character. It's not like skin. It doesn't show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It's like a slip cover. It shields and disguises what's beneath. That's why we grow it; we have something to hide.


I only smile in the dark.

Every so often I want to dig my fingernails underneath my skin and peel off the face everybody's so used to seeing me in. Every so often I want people to know that I'm not as okay as they think I am. --- onceuponatime

It wasn't a suicide attempt, it was an escape from everything awful. When we cut, we're in control - we make our own pain and we can stop it whenever we want. Physical pain relieves mental anguish. For a brief moment, the pain of cutting is the only thing in the cutter's mind, and when that stops and the other comes back, it is weaker. Drugs do that too, and sex, but not like cutting. Nothing is like cutting.

To be loved to madness - such was her great desire. Love was to her the one cordial that could drive away the eating loneliness of her days.

These cuts are leaving creases. Trace the scars, to fit the pieces, to tell your story, you don't need to say a word.

Who am I? I am who I say I am and tomorrow someone else entirely.

A pill to make you numb, a pill to you make you dumb, a pill to make you anybody else, but all the drugs in this world won’t save her from herself.


We're all quite mad here. Ha... ha ha ha ha ha! You may have noticed that I'm not all there myself.

If you don't like the way I am, then don't come around me. If you don't like the way that I talk, then don't listen. If you don't like the way I dress, then don't look. But don't waste my time telling me about it. I don't care.

Reality has exiled me; I am no longer bound by it's laws.

Sometimes you can cry until there is nothing left wet in you. You can scream and curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures. You can pray all you want to whatever god you think will listen. And still, it makes no difference. It goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you. And you know that if it ever did relent... it would not be because it cared.-Johnny the Homicidal Maniac

Sometimes I sit and watch the ink leak from my pen. It comforts me to know something else bleeds the way I do.

It's an interesting feeling, really, to scroll through all the numbers in your phone, and realize that there is no one who will understand.

My skin is burnt but it heals my heart, with growing pride I’ll wear my scars, I am honored by you hate.--- Tera

I guess for some people its always a little easier to appreciate the rainy days instead of sunny days...


I've lived in this place and I know all the faces. Each one is different, but they're always the same. They mean me no harm but its time that I face it, they'll never allow me to change... But, I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong... I'm moving on.

Where ever I am I always find myself looking out the window wishing I was somewhere else.---Angelina Jolie


There's something about death that is comforting. The thought that you could die tomorrow frees you to appreciate your life now---Angelina Jolie


Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there is no way of life.---Angelina Jolie

Do you remember the days when you were a child and simply running outside made you happy? What happened to them?

There's a girl in my mirror crying tonight and there's nothing I can tell her to make her feel alright...

I can't stop crying... I don't understand, and it's not the loud, screaming crying... it's just the tears continuously roll down my face, and I can't do anything to stop them.

Someday I'll fly away.

I can't get my wrists to bleed, just don't know why suicide appeals to me. - Alice Cooper

This isn't a perfect world. People do get hurt. You smile when you feel like crying. You act like you're ok, when you're falling apart inside. And you try to let go, you try to move on, because you know there's nothing else you could do.

I have no clue why I do what I do. It feels good to have cold metal press against my skin as my problems tear at my soul. The blood drips softly and I cry silently. No one will ever understand me except for other people like me. ---cutegoddess01

Close your eyes, and imagine 5, 10, 15 years from now. You are with your husband and maybe 2, 3 or so kids and your a very happy family, and very self-full-filled and your life is perfect just the way you had always dreamed and hoped, and then your little 5 year old child asks you: "mommy, why do you have all those white scars on your arm?" and then what will you say? I used to take a razor and pull it down real slow and carefully and watch the blood drop out of my skin so that I could see that I am still alive, or so I could feel real physical pain instead of emotional pain. No you can't say that to your child. and even if you do then your child will learn from you and do the same to themselves when ever they are feeling down. you don't really want that now do you.

What you think is what you are. what you peruse becomes your reality. ---Babylon_11

You ask why I say nothings wrong when really everything is. You should know what wrong. Your my friends, your making bad decions and its killing me to see you suffer like you are. You just never see how what your doing effects me because you don’t care enough to look and see. ---FastTurtle

I cry then I cut, then I cry again, it never ends.--- Tera


I was lost. There was nobody for me to talk to about all that you were troubling me with. So I sat alone, with everything inside, and cried myself to sleep.


when you talk about feelings, words were too stiff, they were this and not that, they couldn't include all the meanings. In defining, they always left something out.--- White Oleander


The skin of a scar is stronger than the original, less aware of pain...


Self-injury is a sign of distress not madness. We should be congratulated on having found a way of surviving.


When I cut myself, I feel so much better. All the little things that might have been annoying me suddenly seem trivial because I'm concentrating on the pain.

Scars are tattoos with better stories.

We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.

You see her sitting there and you think 'shes so sad' but its not that shes sad, shes simply given up on pretending to be happy, shes tired of getting up every morning and putting on her fake smile, telling herself 'today will be better'. She doesnt want to be an inconvenience or a bother anymore...she has stopped looking for the light switch in the dark room she calls her life. ~ Never_The_Star

If you forget all else remember just this, there are people who love you and want you happy... without you their life would be empty.

In reality, I'm slowly losing my mind. Underneath the guise of smile, gradually I'm dying inside. Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly. Cause I don’t want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering. So I wear my disguise till I go home at night and turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry.


Everyone is asking me how I feel, how I am and truthly I feel numb. I cant feel anything and honestly I like it.


Depression is such a strong emotion, its regret, fear, frustration, isolation, a choice, and sometimes even a form of protection. ~ Never_the_star

Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. -White Oleander

Why don't you just sit down, close your eyes and invent your own world? When you were little you did, even with your eyes open.

Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we all hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while and admit the truth - that when you look closely, people are so strange and complicated that they're actually beautiful. Possibly even me.

As long as you know everything is a lie then you can't hurt yourself.- Manson

Do you ever have one of those days where nothing really goes wrong but you feel like you hate the world and the smallest thing that happens can make you break down right there and cry?

Cutters are living proof that when the body is ravaged the soul cries out and when the soul is trampled upon, the body bleeds.

I'm playing a game I can't win, I keep losing and losing, why do I keep playing? To me it isn't about winning or losing, I'm just enjoying the game.

The drastic steps I'm taking are just an act of desperation, no one's gonna miss me so what the hell. I fought and lied I drank too much. Hurt everyone I ever touched, just how much I hurt you is hard to tell. It's not some kind of cry for help just good bye I wish you well because I love you I'm gonna kill myself. --- Tim McGraw

I won't leave a note for anyone to find tomorrow they will know what I've done here tonight. --- Tim McGraw

Do you ever lay in bed at night hoping you wake up in the emergency room and hear the words "shes not going to make it?"

I certainly didn't tell anyone; I didn't advertise that I was doing this, but I didn't necessarily also make sure no one could see that I was injured. In fact, I felt proud of it; I felt good about it. It was like a battle scar: it proved that I had been grievously wounded and survived. When I hid my scars, I did so because I didn't want anyone to think I was a basket case or a mental case and to look down on me or to pity me or to stop hanging out with me - leave me because they couldn't. handle me...

You know when you cut yourself really badly, it doesn't hurt at all for awhile you don't feel anything - death, our reaction to death is sort of like that you don't feel anything at all and then later on you begin to hurt.

Pull the shades - razor blades - you're so tragic. i hate you so but love you more. i'm so elastic - the things you say - games you play - dirty magic. --- The Offspring

I did not, you see, want to kill myself. Not at that time, anyway. But I wanted to know that if need be, if the desperation got so terribly bad, I could inflict harm on my body. And I could. Knowing this gave me a sense of peace and power, so I started cutting up my legs all the time. Hiding the scars from my mother became a sport of its own. I collected razor blades, I bought a Swiss Army knife, I became fascinated with different kinds of sharp edges and the different cutting sensations they produced. I tried out different shapes - squares, triangles, pentagons, even an awkwardly carved heart, with a stab wound at its center, wanting to see if it hurt the way a real broken heart could hurt. I was amazed and pleased to find that it didn't. --- Prozac Nation


First time I cut was just to feel the pain, Strange because I didn't feel a thing. --- Kristen (aka KrazyKristen)


It wasn't because I wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to finally stop. --- Kristen (aka KrazyKristen)


I have to cut because it's the only way I can smile.--- Kristen (aka KrazyKristen)

Let me give you some advice-- if you are gonna lie about something at least make sure it's worth lying about. --- Kristen (aka KrazyKristen)

I've always been the good girl. The girl whose parents that she would grow up and actually become something. But I'm not like that anymore. I never thought I'd drink or snort those pills but I guess I was wrong. Now that I've done it I don't wanna stop. It's like cutting, once you drag that blade across your skin you can't stop. You don't wanna stop. I know you wanted a perfect teenage girl but in reality there isn't one. --- Kristen (aka KrazyKristen)

Those feelings that are the most painful are those ones that nobody can explain no quote can describe... and no tears or
smiles can make them go away.They're the ones that hurt the deepest the ones that last the longest and take forever to
forget about .


Sometimes I feel like no one cares. Sometimes I feel like no one is there. Sometimes I want to kill myself. Sometimes I think I need some help. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone. Sometimes I'm in an empty zone. Sometimes I feel like I'm not alive. Sometimes I wonder if I'm deprived. Sometimes I think the world should end. Sometimes I think I have no friends. Sometimes I want to make them see that sometimes I wish I wasn't me...

I'm so broken. not half full, not half empty, not ever cracked. I'm just broken. I can't exist anymore. I can barely function. there's nothing left to me. and I don't care.

Cutting is a stepping stone for me. All my life I have been put through so much emotional pain and ive let myself just sit and drown in it. I cant physically or emotionally do it anymore. So I cut. It temporaily takes my pain away until I am able to remove myself from all feeling. I am detached from everything right now... I am numb.--- Jupiter-Girl


Please don't blame yourself for any of the stupid shit that I choose to do. None of this is your fault. I'm the one who makes these bad decesions so im the one who pays the consequences.--- Jupiter-Girl

They didn't know that she was planning something. Most people thought she was perfectly fine. She was good at pretending...but some people knew she wasn't okay but they didnt realize how bad it was. She would party every weekend. She was border line alcoholic rarely going 48 hours without being 100% sober. She tried finding comfort in anything even if that ment fucking some guy she just met one night while she had been drinking. Everyday was going by as a blur. They didn't know that she cried herself to sleep every night. They didnt know that she had practiced cutting herself so many times. They didnt know that she had written and rewritten letters to all the people she cared about most telling them she loved them and apologizing. She even wrote one to the person who was most important to her, who wouldn't understand what had happened because she was to young. She wanted her to know it wasn't her fault and she loved her dearly. They just didnt know. They found her surrounded... in her own blood. They finally knew... they finally realized that she really wasn't okay and the rumors, and the fake friends, and the guys who liked her for all the wrong reasons, and the family, and the lies, and the unperfect body that she saw that everyone else thought was close to perfect, had gotten to her. She finally had the courage to press down hard enough... and they finally knew that she planned this.

It's not how tragically we suffer but how miracously we live.

Life and death are balanced on the edge of a razor.

I'm not guna give a fuck anymore... If you hurt me, I'm gonna hurt you. That's how it's gonna be from now on...

How can you hide from what never goes away? --- Prozac Nation

One morning you wake up afraid to live. --- Prozac Nation



...it all becomes completely numbing, like so much pounding on a frozen paralyzed limb that bruises but no longer feels. --- Prozac Nation

But then I never had to worry about crash landing becuase I never took off. --- Prozac Nation

It was like sawdust, the unhappiness: it infitrated everything, everything was a problem, everything made her cry - school, homework, boyfriends, the future, the lack of future, the uncertainty of the future, fear of future, fear in general - but it was so hard to say exactly what the problem was in the first place - The Dead Girl

On top of feeling sad, I also felt guilty. --- Prozac Nation

I went home at night and cried for hours because so many people in my life expecting me to be a certain way was too much pressure, as if I'd been held against a wall and interrogated for hours, asked questions I couldn't quite answer any longer. --- Prozac Nation

I don't care that I don't care, but I do care maybe a little bit about not caring about not caring - but maybe I do feel sorry for all the nice people whose efforts are wasted on a waste case like me. --- Prozac Nation

The have no idea what a bottomless pit of misery I am. --- Prozac Nation

I did not, you see, want to kill myself. Not at that time, anyway. But I wanted to know that if need be, if the desperation got so terribly bad, I could inflict harm on my body. And I could. Knowing this gave me a sense of peace and power, so I started cutting up my legs all the time. Hiding the scars from my mother became a sport of its own. I collected razor blades, I bought a Swiss Army knife, I became fascinated with different kinds of sharp edges and the different cutting sensations they produced. I tried out different shapes - squares, triangles, pentagons, even an awkwardly carved heart, with a stab wound at its center, wanting to see if it hurt the way a real broken heart could hurt. I was amazed and pleased to find that it didn't. --- Prozac Nation

There were times when she thought she didn't need to do it anymore, times when she thought she was done with it. Cutting made her feel like she was... special, like she had something. She liked having the ability to inflict pain whenever she wanted, and she liked that she could stop it. Not that she really wanted to. When she thought she was done, it made her empty, unsure if this was really living. She would ask herself if this was happiness, and told herself that if it was, she hated it. Cutting made her feel different then everyone else, but she also knew that other people did it for the same reasons, that made her feel that she was a part of something. Then there were times when the tears from her eyes burned a path down her cheek, and her throat was so tight she couldn't scream no matter how much she tried. Those times she would find relief only by cutting up her skin and bleeding out all the painful screams. The pain of living altogether flowed from one simple cut. She didn't care where she cut, arms, legs, stomach, or wrists. As long as she keeps cutting she can live to tomorrow.

You cry yourself to sleep at night I've heard your strangled sobs piercing through the darkness. wishing I could help. You cut your self to take control. I've seen mangled scars running up your arms as plentiful as veins. Wishing I could help You starve your self to grasp what's left I've seen you, thin and not even trying to live. Wishing I could help through all these things I've seen you, wished I could take away the pain. then you took it away your self. I wished I could've helped.

Unperfect. That's what you can call me. After all I am me, and don't fit a certain category. I'm just a girl who lives life day by day and always manages to put a smile on my face. Even if that day I'm a complete mess.

What is depression really? Is there one concrete definition, or has the meaning loosened as our generation has continued it's downhill descent? To me, depression is simply my life. I'm not suicidal. I'm not a cutter. I don't hate the world. I don't dress completely in black. I'm just sad. I've been sad for what feels like my entire life, but that's not true. I was happy once and I can vaguely remember what it felt like, but I can't touch it. I can't get that happiness back, I don't know how. That's what depression is to me, knowing what happiness is, but never being able to touch it, to feel it.- Jenny Leigh

One of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness. Sitting in the dark by yourself in the wee hours of the night gently crying. Nobody knows what's going on with you. How could anybody realize what's happening? Everybody you know is resting peacefully in their bed awaiting the new day tomorrow. But for you, there's no difference in the days. They pass monotonously. And before you know it, it's all gone.


When it seems like everything is wrong and will never be right again remember even the darkest nights must give way to day.



The one person who really knows me best says I'm like a cat, the kind of cat that you just can't pick up and throw into your lap. Yeah the kind who doesn't mind being held only when it's her idea. Yeah the kind who feels what she decides to feel when she's good and ready to feel it. Now I am prowling through the backyard and I am hiding under the car and I've gotten out of everything I've gotten into so far and I eat when I am hungry and I travel alone. Just outside the glow of the house is where I feel most at home.

She cuts herself. Never too deep, never enough to die. But enough to feel the pain. Enough to feel the scream inside.

You might imagine that a person would resort to self-mutilation only under extremes of duress, but once I'd crossed that line the first time, taken that fateful step off the precipice, then almost any reason was a good enough reason, almost any provocation enough. Cutting was my all-purpose solution. My scars ought to be a charm bracelet of memonics, each a permanent reminder of its precipitating event, but maybe the most disturbing thing I can say about the history of my cutting is that for the most part I can't even remember the when’s and the whys behind those wounds. It didn't take much to make me cut. Frustration, humiliation, insecurity, guilt, remorse, loneliness... I cut 'em all out. They were like a poison, caustic and destructive, as though lye had been siphoned into my veins. The only way I could survive them, I thought, was to keep draining them from my blood.

How many cuts could I count? How many could I place in time and context? I had to admit that I couldn't remember the occasion of almost any of them, their catalysts, whether epic or mundane, completely obscured by time. So many moments of supposedly unendurable pain, now utterly forgotten. u start to think, Maybe I don't need this anymore. Maybe I never did I was trying to get equilibrium from two extremes: either I was so upset that I had to cut myself to relieve it, or I was so numb that I had to cut myself to get back to being there.

Let the blood run down your arms then try and tell me everything's okay.


I take the blade and run it gently against my skin, it cuts in deeper and deeper, the blood bursts out and slowly runs down my arm then it stops and the pain goes away.


Cutting doesn't solve anything or take the pain away, but for those few seconds everything is Okay...

Some times in stead of cutting an X on my wrist I make a cross so that the Lord can forgive me for destroying my body, and I also pray that the pain stops as the blood slowly drips onto my sheets.

Crimson tears run down my arm, All the pain and all the harm. My only way to let it out, I wanna scream, I wanna shout. But I don’t make a sound, I keep it inside. I wanna break out, but instead I hide. I sit in my room, and hide in my shell, The life that I’m living, my own private hell. The crimson tears, down my arm they run. I look down at my arm, what have I done? --- Bleedinginside

Every word, another scar, Some people say I cut for attention, Attention is the last thing I want, I tell them I've got my reasons, But what they don't know is, They are the reason I cut, I walk the halls and people talk, Their harsh words cut in deep, Don't they know what they're doing, Every word they say is another scar on my wrist.

As she's breaking down she grabs her razor and she whispers... this time I'm not okay...

I never knew that one singe blade could mess up my life...


There is nothing sadder than a child who has barely seen the world, yet who has seen enough of it to know that he does not wish to be a part of it...


You're scared because you don't understand... I'm scared because I do.


I'm okay... isn't that what I'm suppose to say?

Depression is merely anger minus the enthusiasm.


I don't cut...
I fell...
I don't cut...
My dog bit me...
I would always tell you,
These easy lies.
When you really didn't know,
I do cut, and cry, and lie.
You don't know me,
So don't even try. --- Dying inside

The razor moves along her wrist like a river, so peacefully, as that red water starts to escape, its hard to make it stop.

Nothing is more dear to them than their own suffering - they are afraid that they will lose it - They feel it, like a whip cracking over their heads, striking them and yet befriending them; it wounds them, but it also reassures them. --- Ugo Betti

Why? Why do I feel so gone? I am now so distant I just don't belong. Now I'm ripped away from existence. I've become so transparent that I lost all substance. Sitting nowhere, breathing fake air. We don't feel anymore, so we can't care. Its about time I clear my throat. Let the hellish screams out till I begin to float. I'd run a million miles from here, just to get out of this cage and escape from fear. You know you're screwed when you crave pain, you wanna bleed all throughout your brain. The blood in my veins is proof of life. I'm not sure if its there, so I reveal it with a knife. Not me any more, don't know myself. Prisoner in my own skin, I no longer comprehend health. It's all in the family they used to say. It's all in the family so it must be ok. They hurt and rape her, they slash and tear her, they kill and torture, they love the terror. We are our own army so lets retaliate. Fight, destroy, show them real hate. Look at the fire in her eyes. That roaring beast never hides. She lost all she ever had. Blood seeps through her skin cause it hurts so bad. Her shattered heart pounds against her breast, scattered pieces cutting holes in her chest. Slowly she fades as she quickly she drowns. Covered in guilt, sequestered from sounds. Tilting on the edge, about to fall off. Her mind is so lacerated it has become leathery and soft.-Anonymous

That was when I cut my arms with a razor blade as a means of creative expression. I only did it lightly, just grazing the skin, to see the way the blood would bleed out, to make myself look tougher. Not like some of those kids who keep going deeper and deeper, wondering what they look like down to the bone, because it's a world that's so close and yet so far and so dangerous and so much their own. The only world that is their own.


How will you know I am hurting, If you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body Tells what words cannot explain.


It requires more courage to suffer than to die.


I'm freezing, I'm starving, I'm bleeding to death, Everything's fine.

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat. 'We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
'You must be," said the Cat. 'or you wouldn't have come here.'"

Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it.

"...occasionally I wished I could walk through a picture window and have the sharp, broken shards slash me to ribbons so I would finally look like I felt." - Prozac Nation

Don't let yourself become so angry that you stop loving, because one day, you'll wake up from that anger, and the person you love will be gone.

Tough times don't last but tough people do. fuck your past … don't let is fuck with you...

That's the problem with cutting. Once you start, you can't stop. It's addicting, cutting is my drug. It serves its purpose perfectly. Once I cut, I forget about everything that has been wrong. All that is left is my concentration on my cut. I forget about everything but the pain. Pain has become my world. --- ConcretAngel

It Just Aint Living...

Bugger.
My eating habits have gone out of the window again...
And I'm now a Vegetarian...
But I'm getting help...
Not that I want to...
But my hair is falling out...

Francis and I are thinking of getting engaged...
I hope we do...
My Chemical Romance was amazing, as was Francis coming up...

Some People... :@

FOR FUCK SAKE, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. THIS IS MY BLOG. IT NEDDN'T CONCERN YOU, YOU DON'T CARE ANY MORE, REMEMBER? OH, SORRY, I FORGOT, IT WAS ALL MEANT TO BE MY FAULT WASN'T IT? YEAH, BECAUSE YOU JUST CAN'T BEAR TO ADMIT THAT MAYBE IT WAS YOU AS WELL. BUT YOU HAVE YOUR NEW TOY TO PLAY WITH, YOU DON'T NEED ME ANYMORE. JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I'M BETTER OFF WITHOUT THE LOT OF YOU...

Fuck.

The girl who seemed unbreakable broke, the girl who always laughed cried, the girl who never stop trying finally gave up. She dropped a fake smile as a tear ran down her cheek and she whispered to herself "I can't do this anymore."

I am so impossibly screwed. My Granny demanded to see my arms. She saw the cuts. Now I have to go to the doctor. I am officially up shit creek without a paddle.

I do not want or need this hassle. Or the help they are forcing me to seek.

A Transcript From The Msn Of... Miss Murder... (That's Me, BTW)

i miss you! D:
Miss Murder says:
Aww, I miss you too. I miss everyone right now.
Nathan says:
awwww why?
Miss Murder says:
Because I'm a fucking emotional wreck, always have been. #
Nathan says:
awwwwww maaannnn *hug*
Miss Murder says:
Dw bout it lol.
Nathan says:
i wanna worry
Miss Murder says:
Gee, what is it with all you lot and worrying about me!
Nathan says:
its because you're my Mistress
Miss Murder says:
I'm fine!
Nathan says:
you better be -.-
Miss Murder says:
Since when have I ever not been?
Nathan says:
youve been upset
Miss Murder says:
And that makes me not fine? Just because i self harm does not make me not fine.
Nathan says:
it does :/ dont self harm!
Miss Murder says:
I've never stopped.
Nathan says:
dont do it :/
please stop?
Miss Murder says:
Why?
Nathan says:
because theres better way to deal with things!
*ways
Miss Murder says:
Nath, seriously, just leave it.
Nathan says:
please thoughhhh? ><
Miss Murder says:
I don't see the point, I'm gonna go back to it. I may as well just keep it managable.
Nathan says:
nooo :/
the best way to manage it, is to not do it at all
Miss Murder says:
Well I cant do that. Can we stop talking about it? Yeah, so maybe I'm depressed, maybe I regularly take random tablets to deal with shit, maybe I am suicidal quite often, but I'M FINE.
Nathan says:
:/
Miss Murder says:
seriously.
Nathan says:
:\ no, im being serious here, you need to talk to somebody
Miss Murder says:
No, I don't.
Nathan says:
you do
Miss Murder says:
nathan, we've been over this before. Talking is a shitty way for shitty, emotionally stunted people to moan and whine about how pathetic their little lives are. I'm not like that. #
Nathan says:
and self harm is sooo much better, is it? :/
Miss Murder says:
For me it is.
Nathan says:
how?
Miss Murder says:
Because I don't have stupid therapists that I'm expected to talk to, or open up to, and SH means I can handle it on my own.
Nathan says:
no it doesnt. SH means that you cant handle it on your own, and you're too weak to talk it out.
seriously.
Miss Murder says:
I am not weak. Don't you dare even hint or suggest that.
Nathan says:
Why?
Miss Murder says:
Because it's not fucking true, that's why! Just because I happen to be female, does not mean I have to cry and then tell everyone what's the matter.
Nathan says:
Men get depressed, too. Its not about sexuality anymore, everyone gets depressed. Depression is never a sign of being weak, its a sign of being strong for too long. Self harm is plunging into the darkness, when you need the light.
You need to be enlightened, talked to
Miss Murder says:
I don't want to,
Nathan says:
Self harm is a sign of weakness however. Im sorry to say that. Im just trying to help you.
Miss Murder says:
I don't want or require it. I'm sorry.
Nathan says:
you do require it. But, its up to you. you need to want help to recieve its benefits.
Miss Murder says:
I don't want it. Wanting it means admitting I'm hurting, admitting I'm hurting is admitting I'm not strong enough to deal with it on it's own.
Nathan says:
There is a greater strength in numbers ><
Miss Murder says:
No, a chain is only as it's weakest link.
Nathan says:
and what is a chain with only one link?
what does that make it?
weak.

It Appears I'm Not The Only One...

Lost the court case. Well, an acquittal, not proven. It was amusing. I had the court officer stare at my tits for like, an hour. It was lovely and gentlemanlike. :):P

Feeling really frustrated and lonely. It's pissing me off.

This was meant to be a poetic post. Seems the only poetry I can write at the present moment is short stabbing sentences.

And for those that it may concern. I am not weak because I deal with things in a different way. It does not make me any different to you guys out there. :) I'm fine the way I am, and I'm dealing with it my own way!

WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!

Jade phoned me me last night as I was about to go into the Lyceum to see Romeo And Juliet. She was in floods of tears, saying she wanted to kill herself. That was not good. That ended up in me downing a random cocktail of prescription drugs. I feel okay though, so they must not have had any effect.

Oh well.

Court case tomorrow. Am just feeling too fucking awful to care about it. =/

Going to bed. Hope I don't wake up. :)

My Life Is A Fucking Monologue

I keep writing monologues, I might start loading them on here.

Only two more days. :(
I'll get through it. I hope.

Some Random Poems And Lyrics And Shit

She's taking time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mama never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
She's sayin

Chorus
I would fly to the moon and back if you be...
If you be my baby
I've got a ticket for a world where we, we belong
So would you be my baby?

She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
All her friends, well they've been trialed for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying, "Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith
It's like a journey I just don't have a map for"
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
She's saying

Chorus
I would fly to the moon and back if you be...
If you be my baby
I've got a ticket for a world where we,we belong
So would you be my baby?

Hold on, hold on ...

Mama never loved her much
And, Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
She's saying

Chorus(2x)
I would fly to the moon and back if you be...
If you be my baby
I've got a ticket for a world where we,we belong
So would you be my baby?

I would fly to the moon and back if you be...
If you be my baby
I've got a ticket for a world where we,we belong
So would you be my baby?
yeaaaah ...



Once upon a time

There was a girl who cried

All her tears dried out

And she wanted to die

There was no end to the pain

No one could every understand

There is no way they can

She was ashamed of what she’d be

This girl was me



Once upon a time

There was girl who hated life

She didn’t even want to try

She just wanted to die

But she was stuck in the prison called life

Everyday and every night

Everything turned dark and there was no light

She knew how horrible she’d soon be

This girl was me



Once upon a time

There was a girl who died

She didn’t know it at first

So she continued to try

And stay alive

But she miserably failed

But behind her was trail

That showed all she did

How much she started and how much she bled

This girl was as numb as could be

This girl was me

NO FUCKING WAY

I AM NOT HAVING MY PHOTOS DONE.
NO, JUST NO.
NOT IF THEY DON'T WANT A HYSTERICAL TEEN ON THEIR HANDS BECAUSE THEY FORCED HER TO HAVE HER PHOTOS DONE.

AND YES, I KNOW ITS ON CAPS LOCK. :) :@
M TRYING TO CONVEY MY STRONG FEELINGS, OF COURSE IT'S CAPS.

Random Musing

How can you help someone that doesn't want to be helped? Or maybe they do want to be helped, but they are scared to open up. What if they feel emotionally dead? can they be turned from rock back into flesh? And what if by helping them, or trying to help, you get hurt along with them? What to you do? Do you try and force it, or do you just let them know you're there for them?

I'm the type of girl who can be so hurt but still look at you and smile. The type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if I can't brighten my own.

Why do the simplest things depress me so much? Like having to have my photos done. i really don't want them done, it's got my whole ana thing going. Oh dear.

Why does it bother me so much? It's a fucking photo.

How?

I am so fucking ill. I can't sleep.

Francis is coming up at the end of this month. AND I AM GOING TO SEE MCR!!!!

But then again, this month has some pretty horrible memories too.
Like on the 7th, I was taken into hospital after taking 64 paracetamol.
On the 15th I got kicked outta my house after having a huge fight with my mother.
On the 22nd, I went out on a night out, got very drunk, and well, it wasn't nice...

I'm feeling very depressed and go back to self harm and not eating. Why can't I just be fucking normal?

I remember when I first got with Francis, and I told him what had happened, he started crying.
I don't even cry about it.
I can't.

I'm so so worried about Lola and Grace. Grace has been self harming and Lola has been wanting to.

I don't know how to help them. I can barely help myself. We're all in trouble and don't know what to do.

How To Save A Life.

Life has been tough...
To say the least.

Some revelations have caused me much pain.
Seems like people are two faced back stabbing pricks.
But then that's just life.

Somebody called me fat the other day.
My anorexic loopiness overwhelmed me, and I almost had a complete breakdown.
I'm back up to nine stone, and feel like a fat whale. ='(

I was in Physics, and someone called me fat, and my teacher asked me what was wrong...
"What's the matter? Why didn't you do the experiment Felicity?"
"Because I just didn't want to..."
"But you were fine about it until a minute ago. Did someone say something to you?"
"Kindaa..."
"What happened?"
"Nothing, it doesn't matter."
"It must have, it stopped you doing the experiment, and you look pretty upset."
"Someone called me a fat cow."
"That's just stupid, you're anything BUT fat."
"It wouldn't bother me much, except for the fact that I've had real issues with my weight. Last summer I was practically anorexic, I lost two stone in a month. So it would be really easy for me to get into that frame of mind, so it's difficult for me to actually eat properly."

Later on, I went to Physics catch up during lunch.
"How you feeling?"
"Okay. Ish."
"I spoke to guidance, they said they'd speak to him."
"Thanks Sir. It honestly wouldn't have bothered me, but, well, you know..."
"Felicity, what he said is bullying, no matter if it bothered you or not. But, if it makes you feel any better, your weight is fine, and I wouldn't have been able to tell you had issues with your weight. You hide it really well."

Battle Of Britain Formal Parade on Sunday. Sounds fun. Going out to get pissed afterwards mind. But isn't that what it's all about? It's a long weekend... :L x

A New Day Has Come

Detox Day One- Vitamins, Vitamin Water, and one Gold bar. Whoops. :L Still, I'll skip dinner, or have a small salad. Spent all night on pro ana sites, so that has given me inspirational. Saying that, already feel a bit dizzy, due to no sleep. Oopsy. :L

Oh well. Cannot begin to contemplate Games today, or numerous flights of stairs. Ah scheiss. Merde.

A Beginning Or An End?

I've met some amazing friends. I'm so glad I have them, don't know what I would have done without them tbqh. It seems stupid to get so stupidly attached to them already, but I know I can count on them already. :) I just need to get to know them before I can open up to them properly.

Lola, Helen, and Grace. :) xxx

Going to a wedding on Saturday. Hope I enjoy it, but I'm slightly too self conscious to look forward to it. =/

Fresh Start. What, another one?

Started my new today. It was okay, partly because I'm used to being the new kid. So it doesn't bother me as it once would. I just feel indifferent towards it all.

I just wish I had someone to talk to though. Like, face to face. But I've not really got anyone left now. Ah well. TIme to start struggling on my own. Again. Ah well.

I've been felling really down, but I've kept it hidden. But all I wanna do is curl up ina little ball and cry.

I've promised Francis and my grandmother that I won't self harm again. But it's getiing really hard. And I made a promise.

I intend to keep it.

Abuse?

They say I'm being abused. What is abuse? Am I a part of it? I know in Scotland I used to be, but am I still. The law says I'm within my rights to not go home, especially if I don't feel safe.

It says I'm in the right, but I don't feel it. I feel as though I'm making it all up. But I've got the bruises to show for it. I shut myself off from conversation, because life is so dull and meaningless now.


They say Sharon and Steve might be areested. And we might be sent away to live somewhere else. It's only Melissa and I that "present a problem".

I'm scared and don't know what to do. I'm scared to go home in the nights, scared to be in the house, just plain scared. And it's making me ill. I feel empty. It's horrible.

She's taken every possible belonging away from me. Such as my cadet uniform, my 3822, my books, my school things, my make up, my hair straighteners, hair dryer, stupid things, like a bloody alarm clock!

I feel so alone.

Time goes so fast...

Haven't written in what seems like decades.
I have now stopped self harming.
Successfully. :)
I am, once again, single.
Oh well, I'm happy the way I am.
I have lost lots of weight. Now down to eight stone seven. WHOOP!
But i do have people accuse me of not eating. I do, but not in front of people.
Ryan's been really funny with me recently. We continually argue, but get over the argument quickly. It's stupid, but I can't help but be really edgy because of the no self harm thing. =/

Remember me. I could have been a friend.

With quite a few people I know being absurdly puerile and childish, by talking about me and taking the mick, I am rising above it and using my various wit and sarcasm to deal with things.

Cadets seems to be better, due to me pretending to be ecstatically happy. Which has been working very well. Sargeant Humphreys actually commented on my uplifting mood. =/

There's just too much that time cannot erase...

There's only one thing that keeps me here, and life isn't it. More death.

Rambling on again...

Cadets has been better, but still rather painful. Two of the girls, Sargeant Humphreys' sister and her idiotic friend have been calling me Emo.

The C.I.'s found out and told Lundregan. So on Thursday he approached me, asking if anything was the matter. I lied through my teeth and told him I was fine. He found out the truth on Saturday though.

I wasn't speaking, and said I'd lost my voice. Fools believed me. Apart from Lundregan, Bliszko, and Gumery, that is. Bag packing, which was okay, except I was really ill.

Then we were to wash up for The Battle Of The Saints dinner in the night. That was fun. :S As the evening wore on, I became really angry, and was throwing things around, giving Bliszko and Humphreys horrible looks when they asked if I was okay. Whoops. :S Eventually, I walked out, into the bathroom next foor with Shelly and Sophie. God, I lost my temper big time. I threw a few punches at the wall, but had to walk out, because I'd almost completely lost control by that point. I went outside, to where all the Sargeants were, Langman, Humphreys and Bliszko were. They saw my hand, and told Gumery. Gumery acted like I'd just chopped my hand off, I swear. He went running off for Lundregan, who, by that point in the night, was fairly tipsy. I wouldn't show Lundregan my hand, and he threatened to take me to the hospital if I didn't show him. SO then it was the icepack or A&E.

I'd calmed down a bit, but still shouted at him. I knew that as soon as I started talking, I'd break down and tell him everything. Which I did. God, I should have just stayed silent. I wish I had. He wants me to tell Squadron Leader Timothy. Tomothy's also Deputy Wing Commander. Which means official interference. I told him I'd already tried, but the school and my mother lied about it. Typical. He told me alot about himself. Humphreys is really worried about me, and I thought he was gonna start crying when I saw him after I'd talked to Lundregan. He lookedso upset, and he's so worried, love him. Still, they don't need to worry for much longer. I'll sort it out. Shelly'll help me. We'll sort it out together. Together forever.

I'm in deep shit with my parents. They're constantly threatening me. And I can't get to Cadets tonight. If I don't turn up, Lundregan's gonna get Child Protection involved. Shit.

I've been rumbled...

I've had exams all of this week, and am therefore exhausted. Ill also.

Cadets has become a nightmare. A few of the girls and two of the boys confronted me about my arm. Hastily saying it was my cat, I dismissed the subject, and laughed when they called me emo.

They all found out. Sargeant Lundregan, Sargeant Humphreys, C.I. Williams, C.I. Walsh. So Lundregan asked me about Tuesday, Humphrey's threatened to tell Lundregan the truth, so I quickly explained that Pilot Officer Johnson already knew. And he does. Sort of.

Lundregan now guesses but won't say anything, and the two girls that were calling me names are trying to be very nice to me, because Humphreys probably warned them, and I'm trying to hide my unhappiness from everyone.

Schoo's been okay, but crap. The popular girls have been laughing at me, because I'm not pretty or thin enough to go out with a guy on the rugby team. They talk about me, snigger and call me names. The boys are marginally better, but some guys are just pricks theough and through, and nothing will ever change them. I give up on them.

My "happiness" is built like a house of playing cards. One wrong card, one name, one ruour, one glance, and the whole rickety pile collapses.

I should be happy. I am. To a degree. I'm happy with my boyfriend, but unhappy with everything else. Can a single thing like demand my complete and utter happiness?

Shit.

I Am Dead.

Back On Track?

I had a breakdown in school last week. I had to walk out of Media class. But thankfully, my teacher sent Sophia out with me. I realised from that breakdown, that a boy in my class liked me. I'm now seeing him. Not bad, huh?

Things at home are really bad right now. Mum and Steve are being really bitchy, and I'm not sure what to do. I can't tell anyone, because I'll be accused of being a liar again. I'm sick of them dictating what type of person I should be, how to act, right down to the minutest details, what to do, how to behave.

I want to be my own person, not to conform to conventional society, or my parents' expectations of how I should be.

I'm a proper cadet now. :) Which helps a lot, it gets me away from the house, and it annoys Steve no end, because he's in the army, and I'm the R.A.F. Cadets. I find it quite funny.

I went shooting on Saturday with some of the cadets, which was really fun, except the fact that my shoulders and back now kill.

Seeing another boy that isn't Darren now. Haahaa.

Starting to come out of the whole cycle of depression thing. Which is good. Except the fact that now that I have my uniform, I have to wear short sleeves, and my arms do have some cuts on them that haven't healed yet. I just hope they'll believe me when I say that it was the cat. :S

Hit someone, or cry?

I am so angry and I'm not even sure why. I've been really volatile. I've already swung for someone once, only Sophia managed to stop me.

I'm not speaking agin. I realise now that I do that in times of great need, to control myself. When I am silent, it blocks out everything around me.

Cadets tonight. Oh God. Think I get away with wearing my hoodie for much longer? No, neither do I.

Laugh or cry?

I feel sick with fear. My head aches. My wrist throbs, and my waist stings, my legs are heavy, swollen and tender.

I'm going to start crying, and never stop. Never.

I can't do it anymore.

Quiet, Please.

In the wings, ready for the performance of my lifetime. I might not be the best actress, but I'll do. Nobody will watch too closely. And when the time comes for me to reveal my true self.

Masks

I am cold, I am cruel, I am wicked
Few who meet me ever like me
When I go out into public, I put on a mask
A mask of gentle caring
My voice shows concern, my face, a smile
My eyes look bright and happy
But when I return home
My mask comes off to reveal my true self
The uncaring world deserves my true self
But I give it a mask of smiles
I am an actress, and you are my audience
You rarely see me out of costume
For I have a show to put on for you
And the audience
demands to see
the character
And not the person.

Who says I can't write poetry?

Hmmph.

I wonder what Langman made of the blog? He didn't say much, but I think he now sees me as some sort of freak. Oh joy. I'll just keep everything under wraps from now on I think.

Had an okay night last night. I enjoyed the sports, and managed not to collapse, or get myself killed by the football. Huzzah!

I did manage, however, to have a minor breakdown with two of the girls last night in the toilets. Haahaa. C.I. Walsh came in, and wanted us to talk to her. Hmm. How do I tell her I'm suicidal, and on the verge of a complete breakdown? Langman knows though.

Cadets tonight, but it's a social, and we're in civvies, and allowed to wear make up. Huzzah. I'm in no mood to go tonight, but I suppose I must put in an appearance. Besides, it's better than staying in the house with THEM. The more I'm away from them, the better.

Omigod I Feel Faint.

Uurgh.

I've had two dreams about one of the boys from cadets, which is really strange. It usually turns out that my dreams have some sort of prophetic or premonition like qualities. Strange. I'm really struggling to figure out what this one means. But what I do know, is that it is linking me to the girls, Cadets O'Ryann, McArthur, and Catrina, who doesn't belong to the cadets. Strange Stuff.

Cadets tonight. We're doing sports, which is terrible, because we're doing sports, and I'm feeling faint a lot. I'm not hungry, but I'll drink a lot of water before tonight. I can't faint, because they aren't insured for me yet, and have to call an ambulance straight away. Haahaa. Oh dear. I don't want to faint, but I know it's going to happen. Or I'll end up having an asthma attack. Joy.

I had a Welsh Oral Exam today. My teacher says I managed to scrape a C grade. No way. :P

Bleurgh. Argh. Uurgh. Erlack.

Another Day.

Another day I'm here on God's earth. Well, I'm not religious, but it sounded very literate, so it stays. I'm still technically with Darren, but he won't see why I'm acting the way I am. I give up ll over again.

1004 Squadron.

So Langman dragged me in to see Pilot Officer Johnson. Which wasn't as bad as I'd thought. I didn't actually say anytihng. Langman and Pearce were being suspiciously nice to me, which was surprising. But it's nice to have people who actually care about me.

Back on Thursday. Huzzah.

But, bad news, the self harm is getting out of hand again. I can't stop and I'm stuck in a rut. Damnit.

You've Got Love. Yeaa, I wish.. :(

What have I done? I let my guard down for ONE MINUTE, and look what happens. And I thought I was hiding it so well.

Darren's being a prick also. We're not really together anymore. We just haven't accepted it yet.

Meh.

Darren and I have officially pretty much split up. I don't know if I'm upest at this or not. I told Sargeant Langman about this blog. I wonder what he'll make of it.

For some strange reason, my bathroom scales say I'm eight and a half stone. I wish. They have been known to be a little off, but my sister (Who's weight is always the same) says the scales are more or less accurate. I've no appetite, but this seems to be a good thing. I don'y know many people that can survive on a baked potato and a packet of crisps a day and not be hungry.

I went up the mountain yesterday. Melonie said she thought I was going up there to take my life. So I told her not to worry, it wasn't rocky enough, or high enough. But she was right. I did manage to hit my head though. Not from jumping, though, more from frustration.

My mum and her 'Fiance' are ignoring me. In every literal sense of the word. I have to repeat whatever I say at least twice before they even look up! SOmetimes they even just walk away from me.

Cadets tomorrow. School today. Oh joy. Let's just try and make it through today. :/

What Would I Do?

My friends mean the world to me. Which is why I keep everything to myself. I can't worry them. It doesn't help that Sargeant Langman is trying to help. I can't speak to him, they won't understand I'll just be thrown out on a limb. It's so difficult, trying to understand what to do. The silliest little things seem so difficult to cope with.

What Am I Doing?

I can't do this. I can't go on pretending. But who in God's name can I talk to? Parents? Useless. Teachers? Useless. Friends? They don't know what to say. Cadets? HAH!

I'm self harming, yet again. I just don't know what to do, where to turn, who to speak to.

Life seems pointless and repetitious. What in God's name am I doing in life? Why am I even here?

Cadets, Wicca, And Little Bryn Gwyn.

Havent posted in what seems like years. Not much worthy of note has happened. I celebrated my anniversary yesterday. A year with Darren.

I've been spending a lot of time with my next door neighbour, stroke best friend, Kris. He's really lovely, and a great mate. We have such fun, I feel about 6 whenever I'm with him, but I'm just being myself, something I'm not used to. It seems strange to my ears.

I recently joined the R.A.F. Cadets, Squadron 1004 in Pontypridd. I enjoy it, and it really feels like I belong there, which is just awesome. :P

Swansea with the Drama group was informative, to say the least. I have now honed my paranormal skills, due to a spirit called (!) Lilith. Lilith was Jesus' first wife, and a witch. She always appears as a little girl, and this Lilith was seven. I knew everything about her, and though it started out as a rumour, even Melissa began to get scared. Little Bryn Gwyn was also the place of my great epiphany. I don't belong in that drama group. Kathryn doesnt want me there. Like I'm going to leave because she wants me to! Hmmph. I'm going to stay just to piss her off.

I've Cadets tonight, and my friend, Cadet O'Ryann, wants me to help her speak to Sargeant Lundregan, as the Superior Officers want to talk to her about self harm. Oh Dear. As long as she doesn't get me into trouble as well.

PARTY!

have successfully given up smoking and self harm. AGAIN.
Have now been smoke and harm free for a week. And I've lost weight as well! Brilliant!!
Am now burning C.D.'s for Melony's birthday party. She turned thirteen on Tuesday. *Sniff* They all grow up so fast. :P

FAT.

Why is it such an ugly word?
I have had upwards of three people calling me fat this past week. It takes the mick. My mother just tells me not to listen, and that I'm not fat, but how can I listen to her, when there is so many other people telling me that I am?

I'll always be fat, no matter how thin I am. :(

Life is shit, and then you die. Yeaa, I should be so lucky...

So, life has been really depressing recently. I returned to self harm, which is really debilitating, and Darren isn't very happy with me. It's the Easter holidays soon, and I'm really busy with coursework, and Drama. Huzzah.

I'm really ill. I think I have flu. :/ And my cuts are infected. Brilliant.

Have to go to Swansea with the drama group. Do I really want to? I'm not so sure. Will I? Probably. I'll go, and end up thinking it was terrible, but better to have tried it.

Why?

So I post a lot. Or rather, used to. Since my military style regime was implemented, I haven't been able to go on the computer at home. I read a friend's posting, and he referred to someone he knew that posted twice daily. I think he was referring to me. Well, if nobody reads these things, then what does it matter?

I'm sick of everyone telling me what I can and cannot do. I'm not some sort of Private that Steve can order around. He isn't in the bleeding Army at weekends, why act like it? He's made my life a living hell, and when I tell someone the truth, because they force it out of me, he accuses me of being a liar, and phones the police, to ensure that "His ass is covered".

I've been horribly depressed recently, and have gone back to self harming, though Darren is the only one that knows. Not even my parents know, because I will get thrown out of school. So, it's a no go.

I tried to kill myself on Saturday. Darren tried to save me, but I wish to God he hadn't.
I'm going up there again some day son. I need to just get away from it all.

Weekends are a waste of time.

Zoom was terrible. All the boys dragged me up to dance, which was horrible! I don't dance, I never have, never will, I physically cannot dance. The film festival itself was boring, and by the end of it, I had lost feeling in my arse!

I've been really down lately, really starting to question existence, and the whole meaning of life. I'm in mourning, but I'm not, at the same time. I'm dazed and confused. What am I doing here? Why me and not someone who actually deserves to live?

Zoom

Going to a film festival in Pontypridd tonight. It's a chance for me to let go of things, and just have a nice night. It's a smart casual dress code, so I'm wearing my smart black trousers and my blue top, with blue heels. Going to curl all of my hair, put a blue bow in it, wear a blue and gold necklace, and blue hoop earrings. Should be fun.

Uncle Angus.

I know that I don't remember you, but I know you were a good sport, always looking out for the twins. Dionne was the apple of your eye, and she'll be devestated. i wish I could take your place, and you could live. So soon after Auntie Sharon's wedding. Everyone thought you would be okay after they cut the cancer away. Why would fate play the same cruel joke twice? Gran, Grandad, almost everyone. I just hope you aren't in too much pain. I hope you don't suffer. I can't bear it.

I can't open my mouth to speak. I open my mouth, but no sound comes out. Everyone's asking me why I won't speak, but how can I tell them? How do I tell them that my Great Uncle is dying of a cancer that we thought had been removed?

Everything I touch turns to dust. Marina. She's gone. Another person I loved, gone. Why me? Stephen and Tudor told me earlier I should have gone home. Mum doesn't even know how upset I am. She wouldn't understand. Nobody does.

How I wish I could come up to see you one last time. Or to come to the funeral.

Today was torture. I just can't focus. I want to break down and cry, and never stop.

Who can I turn to? I don't know who to trust.

What should I do?

I'd give anything to make it okay again, I really would. But I can only make things worse.

Marina And Uncle Angus

I found out last night, thanks to the local paper, that a lovely old lady that I used to go to church with, died last month. Marina was the sweetest, kindest woman you could ever meet. I remember her trying to give my brother, sister and I money for singing Away In A Manger when I was at church at Christmas 2008. Nobody'd told me, I didn't know. I can't believe she's gone.

My Gran, don't get me wrong, is terrific, and I love her to bits, but she forgets the most important things to tell youu. For example, she told me that my Great Uncle Angus (Her younger brother) was going into hospital for an operation. The surgeons cut out his tongue, but she didn't know what for. So I presumed it was mouth cancer. As far as I know, he was ill, but not life threateningly ill. So I phoned yesterday, and she told me he probably wouln't last the night, and she thought I had been the nurse to phone and tell her he had died. That's all I found out.

So I phoned my Uncle John and Auntie Maureen. Uncle John is another of my Gran's younger brother's, and also Angus' brother. Maureen is his wife. I thought it best to ask Maureen, since Uncle John might be upset. She told me he had had cancer, but they cut it out (You see, I was right), but it had spread all over his body, and his liver. They've put him on morphine, and he's not going to last very long. A few days at most.

Oh God. Oh, and I screwed up in my exams BIG TIME. But what is that when my family is dying?

Exams...

Exams tomorrow. I think I'll do quite well, actually. I've done all my past papers, and I've been on Bitesize for a while. Can't talk much now, shall update you all tomorrow after the exams on how tey went. Wish me luck!