Hit someone, or cry?

I am so angry and I'm not even sure why. I've been really volatile. I've already swung for someone once, only Sophia managed to stop me.

I'm not speaking agin. I realise now that I do that in times of great need, to control myself. When I am silent, it blocks out everything around me.

Cadets tonight. Oh God. Think I get away with wearing my hoodie for much longer? No, neither do I.

Laugh or cry?

I feel sick with fear. My head aches. My wrist throbs, and my waist stings, my legs are heavy, swollen and tender.

I'm going to start crying, and never stop. Never.

I can't do it anymore.

Quiet, Please.

In the wings, ready for the performance of my lifetime. I might not be the best actress, but I'll do. Nobody will watch too closely. And when the time comes for me to reveal my true self.

Masks

I am cold, I am cruel, I am wicked
Few who meet me ever like me
When I go out into public, I put on a mask
A mask of gentle caring
My voice shows concern, my face, a smile
My eyes look bright and happy
But when I return home
My mask comes off to reveal my true self
The uncaring world deserves my true self
But I give it a mask of smiles
I am an actress, and you are my audience
You rarely see me out of costume
For I have a show to put on for you
And the audience
demands to see
the character
And not the person.

Who says I can't write poetry?

Hmmph.

I wonder what Langman made of the blog? He didn't say much, but I think he now sees me as some sort of freak. Oh joy. I'll just keep everything under wraps from now on I think.

Had an okay night last night. I enjoyed the sports, and managed not to collapse, or get myself killed by the football. Huzzah!

I did manage, however, to have a minor breakdown with two of the girls last night in the toilets. Haahaa. C.I. Walsh came in, and wanted us to talk to her. Hmm. How do I tell her I'm suicidal, and on the verge of a complete breakdown? Langman knows though.

Cadets tonight, but it's a social, and we're in civvies, and allowed to wear make up. Huzzah. I'm in no mood to go tonight, but I suppose I must put in an appearance. Besides, it's better than staying in the house with THEM. The more I'm away from them, the better.

Omigod I Feel Faint.

Uurgh.

I've had two dreams about one of the boys from cadets, which is really strange. It usually turns out that my dreams have some sort of prophetic or premonition like qualities. Strange. I'm really struggling to figure out what this one means. But what I do know, is that it is linking me to the girls, Cadets O'Ryann, McArthur, and Catrina, who doesn't belong to the cadets. Strange Stuff.

Cadets tonight. We're doing sports, which is terrible, because we're doing sports, and I'm feeling faint a lot. I'm not hungry, but I'll drink a lot of water before tonight. I can't faint, because they aren't insured for me yet, and have to call an ambulance straight away. Haahaa. Oh dear. I don't want to faint, but I know it's going to happen. Or I'll end up having an asthma attack. Joy.

I had a Welsh Oral Exam today. My teacher says I managed to scrape a C grade. No way. :P

Bleurgh. Argh. Uurgh. Erlack.

Another Day.

Another day I'm here on God's earth. Well, I'm not religious, but it sounded very literate, so it stays. I'm still technically with Darren, but he won't see why I'm acting the way I am. I give up ll over again.

1004 Squadron.

So Langman dragged me in to see Pilot Officer Johnson. Which wasn't as bad as I'd thought. I didn't actually say anytihng. Langman and Pearce were being suspiciously nice to me, which was surprising. But it's nice to have people who actually care about me.

Back on Thursday. Huzzah.

But, bad news, the self harm is getting out of hand again. I can't stop and I'm stuck in a rut. Damnit.

You've Got Love. Yeaa, I wish.. :(

What have I done? I let my guard down for ONE MINUTE, and look what happens. And I thought I was hiding it so well.

Darren's being a prick also. We're not really together anymore. We just haven't accepted it yet.

Meh.

Darren and I have officially pretty much split up. I don't know if I'm upest at this or not. I told Sargeant Langman about this blog. I wonder what he'll make of it.

For some strange reason, my bathroom scales say I'm eight and a half stone. I wish. They have been known to be a little off, but my sister (Who's weight is always the same) says the scales are more or less accurate. I've no appetite, but this seems to be a good thing. I don'y know many people that can survive on a baked potato and a packet of crisps a day and not be hungry.

I went up the mountain yesterday. Melonie said she thought I was going up there to take my life. So I told her not to worry, it wasn't rocky enough, or high enough. But she was right. I did manage to hit my head though. Not from jumping, though, more from frustration.

My mum and her 'Fiance' are ignoring me. In every literal sense of the word. I have to repeat whatever I say at least twice before they even look up! SOmetimes they even just walk away from me.

Cadets tomorrow. School today. Oh joy. Let's just try and make it through today. :/

What Would I Do?

My friends mean the world to me. Which is why I keep everything to myself. I can't worry them. It doesn't help that Sargeant Langman is trying to help. I can't speak to him, they won't understand I'll just be thrown out on a limb. It's so difficult, trying to understand what to do. The silliest little things seem so difficult to cope with.

What Am I Doing?

I can't do this. I can't go on pretending. But who in God's name can I talk to? Parents? Useless. Teachers? Useless. Friends? They don't know what to say. Cadets? HAH!

I'm self harming, yet again. I just don't know what to do, where to turn, who to speak to.

Life seems pointless and repetitious. What in God's name am I doing in life? Why am I even here?

Cadets, Wicca, And Little Bryn Gwyn.

Havent posted in what seems like years. Not much worthy of note has happened. I celebrated my anniversary yesterday. A year with Darren.

I've been spending a lot of time with my next door neighbour, stroke best friend, Kris. He's really lovely, and a great mate. We have such fun, I feel about 6 whenever I'm with him, but I'm just being myself, something I'm not used to. It seems strange to my ears.

I recently joined the R.A.F. Cadets, Squadron 1004 in Pontypridd. I enjoy it, and it really feels like I belong there, which is just awesome. :P

Swansea with the Drama group was informative, to say the least. I have now honed my paranormal skills, due to a spirit called (!) Lilith. Lilith was Jesus' first wife, and a witch. She always appears as a little girl, and this Lilith was seven. I knew everything about her, and though it started out as a rumour, even Melissa began to get scared. Little Bryn Gwyn was also the place of my great epiphany. I don't belong in that drama group. Kathryn doesnt want me there. Like I'm going to leave because she wants me to! Hmmph. I'm going to stay just to piss her off.

I've Cadets tonight, and my friend, Cadet O'Ryann, wants me to help her speak to Sargeant Lundregan, as the Superior Officers want to talk to her about self harm. Oh Dear. As long as she doesn't get me into trouble as well.

PARTY!

have successfully given up smoking and self harm. AGAIN.
Have now been smoke and harm free for a week. And I've lost weight as well! Brilliant!!
Am now burning C.D.'s for Melony's birthday party. She turned thirteen on Tuesday. *Sniff* They all grow up so fast. :P