How the working class live...

I don't understand why everyone my age looks so shocked when I say I work. I suppose they see Saturday as an extension of Friday; a chance to nurse a hangover, then go out and get rat faced all over again, prostituting themselves to any random bloke they meet. And they look at me strangely.

Working gives me a bit of freedom, and independence. I have money, I can go out should I choose. I don't need to beg my parents for cash. Yes, there are times I'm bored witless, wishing I could go out like the rest of them, but most of the time, I actually enjoy it. I talk to people from the community, most of them elderly, who like a friendly face and a chat, help customers find what they need. It gives me a real sense of job satisfaction.

My 'rents are driving me nutty. One minute their fine, but the next? All I wanted was chips with my curry, and they act like I've just pulled out a handgun!
"No, 'cause then you'll be starving yourself all next week, thinking you're fat!"
GOD ALIVE!

Anyhow, I'm going to watch Supernatural all night tonight, until tomorrow morning. Should be good!

Another wonderful dayy...

Ran into my friend Nathaniel today. It was bloody cold! Rather enjoyed school today. Double media was fantastic, I now love it.

Did not sleep a wink last night. I felt like the living dead this morning, but I'm better now. Damn these all nighters!

My hands are all cracked and sore. Must be my allergies. And yet my mother asked me to clean the bathroom! BLEACH, OF ALL THINGS!

Darren vanished after school today. Must admit, was a bit worried, but he turned up at a friends. I suppose this proves te fact that I do have a heart in there somewhere...

So...

Another lovely rumour. Apparently now I'm pregnant. From Darren's sister Sophia? I've heard of Immaculate Conception, but that takes the biscuit!

I am so tired. I swear I must have lost I.Q. points from all the revising I've been doing...

I almost slapped Nathaniel again today. Smug little jumped up git. And yet I still want him to like me? I find myself trying to please him for some strange reason? I'm not sure why. It's sort of like a personal conquest or something. That's twice he has helped to spread round rumours about me being a lesbian. Bitch.

On a slightlier happier note, I managed:
a) Not to kill anyone,
b) Not to kill myself,
c) Not to storm out of class,
d) Not to cry,
e) To see one of my mates, another Nathaniel.

Still, getting better. Well, it isn't, and I'm not, but pretending I'm okay, actually almost convinces myself that I am. Strange. Still, I've been acting for so long, it comes naturally.

SLUT!

I don't believe the sheer affrontery of some people. (I amy have mispelt that. And that, but I really don't care right now)

I am meant to have cheated on my boyfriend with HIS SISTER. That's just wrong.
Still, some good has come of it. Carla is not half as popular as she used to be, she has split up with her boyfriend of three weeks, she is now all alone in the world. Revenge is sweet.

Exams a week today. Should go okay, except Physics. Family have been driving me mad, mind, but overall I suppose I'm okay.

Wales...

Have to write a speech on Wales. It's history, whether or not it's a lost cause, etc etc... HOW THE HELL AM I MEANT TO DO THAT?!!

Snow...

It's been snowing. *fakes happiness* "Huzzah!"
Babysat last night, and still babysitting into today as well. Didn't get to bed until four this morning, and got up at half seven. Lovely...

Will probably upload the Supernatural fan fiction onto FanFiction site once I've finished it. *Yey!*

Supernatural

Something is following me. Note the use of something rather than someone. Whatever it is, it isn't good. Sometimes I hate being susceptible to all this spirit stuff. I mean, I didn't ask for it to happen, it just did. And I've gone and lost lost my bloody pentacle. Brilliant.

Started to write a Supernatural fan fic. God, what I would do to Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki. Yum. ;)

Shakespeare is a load of....

Finally finished my esssay redraft. I actually had to unplug the internet. I really am terrible when it comes to willpower. Well, the attraction of Facebook is far too powerful for my feeble mind to encompass. Stil, I finished it! Haahaa! Victory to me, fail to Facebook!

The performance today went terribly. Trust Michael to fluff up his lines. Kathy and I had to improvise severely, but luckily it was seamless, and no one noticed, so Thank God for that!

Steve

Don't get me wrong, the guy's pretty alright. But there's something about him that scares me. And I mean, really scares me.
I know he has a violent streak, after all, he's tried gripping me by the throat, trying to break my wrist, threatening me countless times. There's something about the whole father figure that I don't like. And can you blame me? After 12 years of abuse, I'm surprised I'm not more cautious. I mean, I let myself get into an abusive relationship myself! What am I, a magnet for bad fortune?

I keep feeling spirits around me. I'm not sure what it is though. One's my cat. Well, she WAS my cat. She got run over about a year ago. There's something here, but I don't know what. It's making me feel really strange. The price I pay for being able to see and feel spirits, huh?

FUCK!

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!! Carla just hacked her friends profile, and then started abusing me! I just wanna move onn, why won't they let me?

Her flippin' boyfriend just added me, JESUS CHRIST LEAVE ME ALONE!

A Lazy Wednesdayy...

haven't gotten dressed, haven't any make up on, haven't even brushed my hair, and it's what, 4 minutes past 2? Still, I've just finished all the cleaning for my mother. I would feel sorry for any poor bugger that has to clean toilets for a living. I now know how they feel...

Angus, the Doberman puppy we have, has attempted to bite me twice in the last few days... I haven't done anything to him, but then he turns on me. He went for my nose last time, my ear this morning. Ripped out a chunk of my hair, the bugger! So my mother has decided to get rid of him. He's too much with the kids and all, so bye bye Angus. I will miss him, but it's for the best, after all, he's been after all of us so far, except the baby, Chloe.

HELP!! I am OFFICIALLY hooked on Supernatural. I can't help it. The actors are simply divine, the subject matter keeps me involved on a personal level (Me being a Wiccan and all). Yum!

I Give Up

I can't be bothered not to eat, my mother's too much of a nosy cow to be able to do it without her mouthing off at me.
I was at Drama earlier. The performance is on Friday, which I'm actually looking forward to, now that Ian's tweaked it a bit.

Valentine's Day was lovely. :) We went to Starbucks and I had a Vanilla Cream Frappaccino, which was fab. Darren had bought me a Wiccan spell book, a silk rose, and 20 Richmond. Youu have to love him. (L)

My Grandmother could have Bowel Cancer. Or Piles. Either one. Oh dear. I don't know what to do with myself, to be honest.

Mother Dearest?

The mind-poisoner: adept at poisoning peoples' minds by manipulating their perceptions of others, especially against the current target.

The feigner: when called to account and outwitted, the person instinctively uses the denial - counterattack - feigning victimhood strategy to manipulate everyone present, especially bystanders and those in authority. The most effective method of feigning victimhood is to burst into tears, for most people's instinct is to feel sorry for them, to put their arm round them or offer them a tissue. There's little more plausible than real tears, although as actresses know, it's possible to turn these on at will. Feigners are adept at using crocodile tears. From years of practice, attention-seekers often give an Oscar-winning performance in this respect. Feigning victimhood is a favourite tactic of bullies and harassers to evade accountability and sanction. When accused of bullying and harassment, the person immediately turns on the water works and claims they are the one being bullied or harassed - even though there's been no prior mention of being bullied or harassed. It's the fact that this claim appears only after and in response to having been called to account that is revealing. Mature adults do not burst into tears when held accountable for their actions. (No, not unless you are my mother, that is)

Mutti

Mum hit my earlier. She was still talking about me, so I went into the living room, and said,
"I can hear you, you know. Stop talking about me."
So we had stupid argument, which quickly escalated. So she was on about me always thinking about myself, which I laughed at. Did I WANT everybody to know I was suicidal? Did I WANT trouble for myself? Did I WANT to be in hospital for a week on an I.V. Drip? Did I WANT everyone to know how unstable I am?

So I told her that it wasn't ME being selfish, but her. I thought she was walking away, but she walked back up to me (I was sitting down by the computer, and couldn't see her), and hit my around the head.
"DO YE NO THINK AH HUV ENUFF STRESS TAE BE DEALIN' WI?!! WHAT STRESS DAE YOO HAVE LIKE?"
"Well, let's think, I HAVE EXAMS IN TWO WEEKS TIME, WHICH IS BAD ENOUGH, WITHOUT ME CALLING ME A FAILURE BECAUSE I GOT A D IN PHYSICS! YOU SAID I WOULDN'T GET INTO UNIVERSITY, BECAUSE I'D FAIL!"
So she huffs and puffs, trying to cover her tracks, when I knew for a fact that she had said all of that.
"YER GRANNIE COULD BE DYIN', AND A' YOO CARE ABOOT IS BLOODY EXAMS!"

I hadn't known that. See how in the dark I am kept? She also called me an attention seeker somewhere along the lines. Would an attention seeker walk out of the house, and go for a walk, so they could cry in peace? Would an attention seeker go out of their way to make sure they were not found on a blog? (I have a fake name, and I know that nobody ever reads these things anyway)
Would an attention seeker self harm, and not tell anybody? Would an attention seeker cover up the way they are feeling just so that they could be left alone?

I think the more astute readers may discover the answer to this.

GRR! :@

My mother is a cow! She's the attention seeker, not me! I'm not being a typical, angst ridden teenager, but SHE'S THE ONE WHO WANTS THE ATTENTION, NOT ME!!!

She saw me mixing Bicarb with water. I told her it was because my stomach was hurting, because I'd eaten loads. So I went upstairs when she was gone, to the bathroom. I actually needed to go to the bathroom anyway, so luckily, after I'd drunk most of it, she forced her way into the bathroom.

You can imagine the look of horror, and repulsion on my face.
"MUM!"
She tastes some of the residue of the Bicarb at the bottom of my glass.
"That's salt." She sneers, a look of almost triumph on her face.
"No it isn't." I reply, annoyed.
"It would make me sick," She declares, swanning off, straight on the phone to the obese, arrogant, supercilious, ARSCHLOCH that is her fiancé, Steve.

I hate them both. It didn't even make me sick.

Work...

Working today. I don't believe how much I ate though!! Five packets of crisps, and a packet of Wine Gums. Shocking! Still, I'mma havee a look for Bicarb Of Soda, which should work just as well as Ipecac, as Ipecac isn't available in the U.k. .

Scotland lost the rugby match, it was so funny listening to it in the shop ona radio, I kept jumping up and down every time we scored a try. Still, the ref should have blown the whistle before Wales scored, we would have drawn then.

Off to find Bicarb, and then make some dinner. :)
I'm so sneaky, aii. :P

Crap.

I got smoking today at breaktime by a head of senior management team or something along those those lines, anyway. Haha, they said a letter was going home, and my mother was being contacted, but she already knows. I SHIT myself when he turned up! But all is good, they didn't even shout. I think they don't bother, in case I go away an do something stupid. Still, being nutty has it's advantages!

Haven't eaten yet, and I still have that funny taste in my mouth. It's only been half a day, but I'm not hungry. A friend is getting me Syrup Of Ipecac, which should help if my mother forces me to eat.

Haahaa, found a place where I can get it, which is cool.

FRIDAY!

I'm back on my fast now :)
I've been so thirsty for some reason, I really don't know why. And I have an odd, metallic sort of taste in my mouth, kinda like nail polish remover. Very strange.
Well, at least it's Friday today. The holidays on Monday. A week of studying, hurrah! (Did that sound sarcastic? It was meant to be).

My friend from Penygraig, Chris, likes me. We're going out on Monday. I've always kind of liked Chris. But I'm seeing Darren. And yet I'm prepared to cheat on him with about 6 people? What a slag I am! I suppose it's a way of getting the attention I lack from my family. That's what the shrink would say, anyway.

I found a place where youu can get syrup of ipecac online. Only thing is, I can't get it, due to not having a bank card. I may ask Stephen to order it, if I give him the money. Hmm. Hope he does it.

A FAIL OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!!

My mother caught me out yesterday. She had a right go at me, so I had to eat when I got in today.
Had:

• Three packets of crisps
• Three cornflake cake things
• Three slices of toast
• A yoghurt

And a plate of Korma.
Uurgh. Oh, and some girl just called me ugly, who hasn't seen me since Year Six, just called me ugly? WTF?! She just randomly started abusing me! Called me ugle, skank, troll, trollop. I don't understand it!

My friend on here read my blogs. Oh well. I thought he would tell someone, but he hasn't so far, and I think I trust him. He wants me to speak to him, so I think I'll explain to him all that has been going on.

He really is lovely :) Not that I have feelings for him or anything, but he is lovely. :)

Damn it...

She caught me out. But I'm not quitting. NEVER!

My friend did see the blog, and love him, he worries. I'll be fine.
Saying that, I am starting to feel a bit funny. Can't move too fast, makes me dizzy. This is a good sign. But what am I going to do about my mother? How do I get away with not eating? Go out until late at night? I'm gonna have to. Damn it.

I realise that I keep writing these things, but a thought keeps cropping up. Nathaniel untagged himself, which is really stupid, because it was only a joke!

My mother keeps having a go at me for trivial little things, which is bugging me, and lack of food doesn't do any favours, I know. But I still have to do this properly.

It's snowing outside. Reflects my feelings. Cold.

And the friend who has Blogger knows I am DiizzyFiizzy. just hope he doesn't read any of this. :/

Excellent...

Well, I've so far resisted, starting to get hungry now though...
I done an hour of Sit-Ups, Aerobics, Gymnastics and Yoga, which is good I guess. I think I have consumed a horrific total of 24(!) calories. That is terrible. Still, it was only a glass of squash, so that's good.
So far, it's going well. I have temptation, of course I do, but I must remember that food is the enemy.

The picture's up on Facebook now, which is funny.
I found out that a friend from school is also on this, which is pretty cool, but I hope he doesn't tell anybody about this blog, because that means I am completely and utterly screwed! Especially if any teachers find out! So he had better not tell!

I've come this far, I'm not going to have to fail this test.

My mtoher is cooking dinner. Oh hell, what am I going to do? I'll pretend to eat it in the spare room, but give it to the dog instead. Easier said than done mind.

Hmm

I haven't eaten since yesterday. That's good. I'm not that hungry, actually. My stomachs growling a bit, but I don't actualy WANT to eat. A good start.

I tihnk mum believed me last night when I told her I'd already eaten. That's good.

I saw a picture on Facebook last ngiht on Nathaniel's profile of us two together in a group of people. But you can tell all the energy of the photo

Hmm...

I've not eaten since last night, and I feel fine so far. I'm the tiniest bit hungry, but not enough to quit. Not this time, I'm not going to quit this. I'm going to achieve this goal. It's going to take a while, but I think my mother believed me when I said I'd already eaten last night.

I feel so happy, like I have a secret that nobody else knows. It doesn't matter that I'm never going to be pretty, but at least I can be skinny. I will be unique! :D

I saw a photo of myself and Nathaniel last night on Facebook. We were so close. God, the chemistry between us was amazing that day. I can still remember every last detail. It's such a shame that we both ruined it. Still, he shouldn't have accused me of being a lesbian. Well, you know what they say. Unhappy beginnings mean happy endings.

Daniel is going to crop the other people out of the photo, and just have me and Nathaniel in a photo, and tag us both, and caption it as;

"A perfect couple. Come on Nath, you know you want to!"

Which should be quite funny! :P

Drama

Went to Drama last night. It was good, but I think that Kathryn is a bit pissed off because I got the main part and she didn't. Oh well. The play is five minutes long! Anyway, it's not a play youu can get into, anyway. I mean, time banking? Who cares?

The whole, not eating thing is going well so far. I've had a glass of squash, but that's only because I can't drink water!

Stalkers And Pro-Ana

I was supposed to go on a diet today. Well, a fast. Didn't work. I'll start tonight and continue into tomorrow. I think Katie and Carla are stalking me. Her mother's friends, Andrew and Scotty were watching Darren and I as we walked up from the town square. They weren't making a move, just sitting in the car watching us. They've started going to all the Science revision classes, and always seem to be where I am. Thing is, I can't tell anyone, they'll say it's all in my head. I'll be labelled as 'Mentally Unstable' and sectioned.

I need to lose weight before Devon. At least a stone by the end of May. Can I do it?
my BMI right now is 21.5. At 5 foot 3 and 57 kilos, that's atrocious! I'm just under 9 stone, so I hope to be just under 8 by the time I finish. My ultimate goal is 6 stone, but I must make small goals to begin with. I am going to do this, unlike the last times. 100 pounds is my ultimate goal for now, if I reach that, even lower!

The social workers are closing soon. That's good, but Dr Bloody Namani isn't! I hate him so much. Last week, we waited halk an hour, for him to ask us in, ask how I was (I lied and said I was fine), and send me away again! I miseed three lessons, half the morning. I'm not going again, he can go screw himself up the arse with a spoon for all I care!

School

I almost walked out today. I was sick of it all. I couldn't cope at all. My life seemed endless, and, given half the chance, I would have killed myself. I was in tears about three times. I just wanted to keep walking and never turn back. I hate that place, ever since Carla and Katie tried jumping me. I don't understand why it's always me. Yes, I may not be your average fifteen year old, yes, I may be paler than most, yes, I do actually TRY in school. YOUR POINT IS? I hate the people in that place. The teachers aren't much better. Don't get me wrong, Textiles is O-Kay. Not briliant, just average. There's no way I'm better than Ayprul, or Sophie, or any of the other girls. I'm not going to get an A. No way.