FAT.

Why is it such an ugly word?
I have had upwards of three people calling me fat this past week. It takes the mick. My mother just tells me not to listen, and that I'm not fat, but how can I listen to her, when there is so many other people telling me that I am?

I'll always be fat, no matter how thin I am. :(

Life is shit, and then you die. Yeaa, I should be so lucky...

So, life has been really depressing recently. I returned to self harm, which is really debilitating, and Darren isn't very happy with me. It's the Easter holidays soon, and I'm really busy with coursework, and Drama. Huzzah.

I'm really ill. I think I have flu. :/ And my cuts are infected. Brilliant.

Have to go to Swansea with the drama group. Do I really want to? I'm not so sure. Will I? Probably. I'll go, and end up thinking it was terrible, but better to have tried it.

Why?

So I post a lot. Or rather, used to. Since my military style regime was implemented, I haven't been able to go on the computer at home. I read a friend's posting, and he referred to someone he knew that posted twice daily. I think he was referring to me. Well, if nobody reads these things, then what does it matter?

I'm sick of everyone telling me what I can and cannot do. I'm not some sort of Private that Steve can order around. He isn't in the bleeding Army at weekends, why act like it? He's made my life a living hell, and when I tell someone the truth, because they force it out of me, he accuses me of being a liar, and phones the police, to ensure that "His ass is covered".

I've been horribly depressed recently, and have gone back to self harming, though Darren is the only one that knows. Not even my parents know, because I will get thrown out of school. So, it's a no go.

I tried to kill myself on Saturday. Darren tried to save me, but I wish to God he hadn't.
I'm going up there again some day son. I need to just get away from it all.

Weekends are a waste of time.

Zoom was terrible. All the boys dragged me up to dance, which was horrible! I don't dance, I never have, never will, I physically cannot dance. The film festival itself was boring, and by the end of it, I had lost feeling in my arse!

I've been really down lately, really starting to question existence, and the whole meaning of life. I'm in mourning, but I'm not, at the same time. I'm dazed and confused. What am I doing here? Why me and not someone who actually deserves to live?

Zoom

Going to a film festival in Pontypridd tonight. It's a chance for me to let go of things, and just have a nice night. It's a smart casual dress code, so I'm wearing my smart black trousers and my blue top, with blue heels. Going to curl all of my hair, put a blue bow in it, wear a blue and gold necklace, and blue hoop earrings. Should be fun.

Uncle Angus.

I know that I don't remember you, but I know you were a good sport, always looking out for the twins. Dionne was the apple of your eye, and she'll be devestated. i wish I could take your place, and you could live. So soon after Auntie Sharon's wedding. Everyone thought you would be okay after they cut the cancer away. Why would fate play the same cruel joke twice? Gran, Grandad, almost everyone. I just hope you aren't in too much pain. I hope you don't suffer. I can't bear it.

I can't open my mouth to speak. I open my mouth, but no sound comes out. Everyone's asking me why I won't speak, but how can I tell them? How do I tell them that my Great Uncle is dying of a cancer that we thought had been removed?

Everything I touch turns to dust. Marina. She's gone. Another person I loved, gone. Why me? Stephen and Tudor told me earlier I should have gone home. Mum doesn't even know how upset I am. She wouldn't understand. Nobody does.

How I wish I could come up to see you one last time. Or to come to the funeral.

Today was torture. I just can't focus. I want to break down and cry, and never stop.

Who can I turn to? I don't know who to trust.

What should I do?

I'd give anything to make it okay again, I really would. But I can only make things worse.

Marina And Uncle Angus

I found out last night, thanks to the local paper, that a lovely old lady that I used to go to church with, died last month. Marina was the sweetest, kindest woman you could ever meet. I remember her trying to give my brother, sister and I money for singing Away In A Manger when I was at church at Christmas 2008. Nobody'd told me, I didn't know. I can't believe she's gone.

My Gran, don't get me wrong, is terrific, and I love her to bits, but she forgets the most important things to tell youu. For example, she told me that my Great Uncle Angus (Her younger brother) was going into hospital for an operation. The surgeons cut out his tongue, but she didn't know what for. So I presumed it was mouth cancer. As far as I know, he was ill, but not life threateningly ill. So I phoned yesterday, and she told me he probably wouln't last the night, and she thought I had been the nurse to phone and tell her he had died. That's all I found out.

So I phoned my Uncle John and Auntie Maureen. Uncle John is another of my Gran's younger brother's, and also Angus' brother. Maureen is his wife. I thought it best to ask Maureen, since Uncle John might be upset. She told me he had had cancer, but they cut it out (You see, I was right), but it had spread all over his body, and his liver. They've put him on morphine, and he's not going to last very long. A few days at most.

Oh God. Oh, and I screwed up in my exams BIG TIME. But what is that when my family is dying?

Exams...

Exams tomorrow. I think I'll do quite well, actually. I've done all my past papers, and I've been on Bitesize for a while. Can't talk much now, shall update you all tomorrow after the exams on how tey went. Wish me luck!

ARGHHHH!

Exams tomorrow. Shit. This is going to be hell. Still I've been revising, I'll revise all of tonight.

Went up Gelli Seren wth Darren last night. It was lovely. Had a bit of a picnic, which was really funny. We had a great laugh.

I have tol work with Nathaniel in English. Should have seen his face when Miss Porter called me he and I out... Anyway, I just told him that if we worked hard and got it all done, the sooner he could go back to ignoring me. Fair enough?