Some People... :@

FOR FUCK SAKE, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. THIS IS MY BLOG. IT NEDDN'T CONCERN YOU, YOU DON'T CARE ANY MORE, REMEMBER? OH, SORRY, I FORGOT, IT WAS ALL MEANT TO BE MY FAULT WASN'T IT? YEAH, BECAUSE YOU JUST CAN'T BEAR TO ADMIT THAT MAYBE IT WAS YOU AS WELL. BUT YOU HAVE YOUR NEW TOY TO PLAY WITH, YOU DON'T NEED ME ANYMORE. JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I'M BETTER OFF WITHOUT THE LOT OF YOU...

Fuck.

The girl who seemed unbreakable broke, the girl who always laughed cried, the girl who never stop trying finally gave up. She dropped a fake smile as a tear ran down her cheek and she whispered to herself "I can't do this anymore."

I am so impossibly screwed. My Granny demanded to see my arms. She saw the cuts. Now I have to go to the doctor. I am officially up shit creek without a paddle.

I do not want or need this hassle. Or the help they are forcing me to seek.

A Transcript From The Msn Of... Miss Murder... (That's Me, BTW)

i miss you! D:
Miss Murder says:
Aww, I miss you too. I miss everyone right now.
Nathan says:
awwww why?
Miss Murder says:
Because I'm a fucking emotional wreck, always have been. #
Nathan says:
awwwwww maaannnn *hug*
Miss Murder says:
Dw bout it lol.
Nathan says:
i wanna worry
Miss Murder says:
Gee, what is it with all you lot and worrying about me!
Nathan says:
its because you're my Mistress
Miss Murder says:
I'm fine!
Nathan says:
you better be -.-
Miss Murder says:
Since when have I ever not been?
Nathan says:
youve been upset
Miss Murder says:
And that makes me not fine? Just because i self harm does not make me not fine.
Nathan says:
it does :/ dont self harm!
Miss Murder says:
I've never stopped.
Nathan says:
dont do it :/
please stop?
Miss Murder says:
Why?
Nathan says:
because theres better way to deal with things!
*ways
Miss Murder says:
Nath, seriously, just leave it.
Nathan says:
please thoughhhh? ><
Miss Murder says:
I don't see the point, I'm gonna go back to it. I may as well just keep it managable.
Nathan says:
nooo :/
the best way to manage it, is to not do it at all
Miss Murder says:
Well I cant do that. Can we stop talking about it? Yeah, so maybe I'm depressed, maybe I regularly take random tablets to deal with shit, maybe I am suicidal quite often, but I'M FINE.
Nathan says:
:/
Miss Murder says:
seriously.
Nathan says:
:\ no, im being serious here, you need to talk to somebody
Miss Murder says:
No, I don't.
Nathan says:
you do
Miss Murder says:
nathan, we've been over this before. Talking is a shitty way for shitty, emotionally stunted people to moan and whine about how pathetic their little lives are. I'm not like that. #
Nathan says:
and self harm is sooo much better, is it? :/
Miss Murder says:
For me it is.
Nathan says:
how?
Miss Murder says:
Because I don't have stupid therapists that I'm expected to talk to, or open up to, and SH means I can handle it on my own.
Nathan says:
no it doesnt. SH means that you cant handle it on your own, and you're too weak to talk it out.
seriously.
Miss Murder says:
I am not weak. Don't you dare even hint or suggest that.
Nathan says:
Why?
Miss Murder says:
Because it's not fucking true, that's why! Just because I happen to be female, does not mean I have to cry and then tell everyone what's the matter.
Nathan says:
Men get depressed, too. Its not about sexuality anymore, everyone gets depressed. Depression is never a sign of being weak, its a sign of being strong for too long. Self harm is plunging into the darkness, when you need the light.
You need to be enlightened, talked to
Miss Murder says:
I don't want to,
Nathan says:
Self harm is a sign of weakness however. Im sorry to say that. Im just trying to help you.
Miss Murder says:
I don't want or require it. I'm sorry.
Nathan says:
you do require it. But, its up to you. you need to want help to recieve its benefits.
Miss Murder says:
I don't want it. Wanting it means admitting I'm hurting, admitting I'm hurting is admitting I'm not strong enough to deal with it on it's own.
Nathan says:
There is a greater strength in numbers ><
Miss Murder says:
No, a chain is only as it's weakest link.
Nathan says:
and what is a chain with only one link?
what does that make it?
weak.

It Appears I'm Not The Only One...

Lost the court case. Well, an acquittal, not proven. It was amusing. I had the court officer stare at my tits for like, an hour. It was lovely and gentlemanlike. :):P

Feeling really frustrated and lonely. It's pissing me off.

This was meant to be a poetic post. Seems the only poetry I can write at the present moment is short stabbing sentences.

And for those that it may concern. I am not weak because I deal with things in a different way. It does not make me any different to you guys out there. :) I'm fine the way I am, and I'm dealing with it my own way!

WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!

Jade phoned me me last night as I was about to go into the Lyceum to see Romeo And Juliet. She was in floods of tears, saying she wanted to kill herself. That was not good. That ended up in me downing a random cocktail of prescription drugs. I feel okay though, so they must not have had any effect.

Oh well.

Court case tomorrow. Am just feeling too fucking awful to care about it. =/

Going to bed. Hope I don't wake up. :)

My Life Is A Fucking Monologue

I keep writing monologues, I might start loading them on here.

Only two more days. :(
I'll get through it. I hope.

Some Random Poems And Lyrics And Shit

She's taking time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mama never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
She's sayin

Chorus
I would fly to the moon and back if you be...
If you be my baby
I've got a ticket for a world where we, we belong
So would you be my baby?

She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
All her friends, well they've been trialed for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying, "Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith
It's like a journey I just don't have a map for"
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
She's saying

Chorus
I would fly to the moon and back if you be...
If you be my baby
I've got a ticket for a world where we,we belong
So would you be my baby?

Hold on, hold on ...

Mama never loved her much
And, Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
She's saying

Chorus(2x)
I would fly to the moon and back if you be...
If you be my baby
I've got a ticket for a world where we,we belong
So would you be my baby?

I would fly to the moon and back if you be...
If you be my baby
I've got a ticket for a world where we,we belong
So would you be my baby?
yeaaaah ...



Once upon a time

There was a girl who cried

All her tears dried out

And she wanted to die

There was no end to the pain

No one could every understand

There is no way they can

She was ashamed of what she’d be

This girl was me



Once upon a time

There was girl who hated life

She didn’t even want to try

She just wanted to die

But she was stuck in the prison called life

Everyday and every night

Everything turned dark and there was no light

She knew how horrible she’d soon be

This girl was me



Once upon a time

There was a girl who died

She didn’t know it at first

So she continued to try

And stay alive

But she miserably failed

But behind her was trail

That showed all she did

How much she started and how much she bled

This girl was as numb as could be

This girl was me

NO FUCKING WAY

I AM NOT HAVING MY PHOTOS DONE.
NO, JUST NO.
NOT IF THEY DON'T WANT A HYSTERICAL TEEN ON THEIR HANDS BECAUSE THEY FORCED HER TO HAVE HER PHOTOS DONE.

AND YES, I KNOW ITS ON CAPS LOCK. :) :@
M TRYING TO CONVEY MY STRONG FEELINGS, OF COURSE IT'S CAPS.

Random Musing

How can you help someone that doesn't want to be helped? Or maybe they do want to be helped, but they are scared to open up. What if they feel emotionally dead? can they be turned from rock back into flesh? And what if by helping them, or trying to help, you get hurt along with them? What to you do? Do you try and force it, or do you just let them know you're there for them?

I'm the type of girl who can be so hurt but still look at you and smile. The type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if I can't brighten my own.

Why do the simplest things depress me so much? Like having to have my photos done. i really don't want them done, it's got my whole ana thing going. Oh dear.

Why does it bother me so much? It's a fucking photo.

How?

I am so fucking ill. I can't sleep.

Francis is coming up at the end of this month. AND I AM GOING TO SEE MCR!!!!

But then again, this month has some pretty horrible memories too.
Like on the 7th, I was taken into hospital after taking 64 paracetamol.
On the 15th I got kicked outta my house after having a huge fight with my mother.
On the 22nd, I went out on a night out, got very drunk, and well, it wasn't nice...

I'm feeling very depressed and go back to self harm and not eating. Why can't I just be fucking normal?

I remember when I first got with Francis, and I told him what had happened, he started crying.
I don't even cry about it.
I can't.

I'm so so worried about Lola and Grace. Grace has been self harming and Lola has been wanting to.

I don't know how to help them. I can barely help myself. We're all in trouble and don't know what to do.