To Francis.

Okay, okay, you were right. I'm not feeling any different, just this indescribable and never easing loneliness.
I don't know why I do these things, I just want to make the pain go away, that's all. Do you know what it's like to spend every waking moment wishing you were dead? I do. It never ever goes away, and nothing makes me feel better. Talking to you just makes me feel worse that you're not here, that you are too far away to help, to be there.

I don't know what makes me do the things I do. It's just never ending. It never stops, never gets easier.
You think that it does, but then, WHAM! Something else hits you, and knocks you sideways, and you don't recover from it for a while. When you do, something else comes along.

And that's when the self harm comes in. Like I said, something comes up, I start to self harm. After a few weeks or months, I try to stop, and things get really difficult. I get really volatile, because I'm not able to cope the way I usually do. Something big happens, I do it all again.

And the nightmares. The never ending nightmares. The faces in the dark, the taunting.
Half of the time I physically don't know what I'm doing, and I can barely remember what I've done.
Like last night.

I keep hurting you and I can't stand it. But I couldn't cope with losing you.
I've lost what it's like to be a human being, to feel, to laugh and cry.
I'm just nothing now, just an hollowed out, empty shell.