Remember me. I could have been a friend.

With quite a few people I know being absurdly puerile and childish, by talking about me and taking the mick, I am rising above it and using my various wit and sarcasm to deal with things.

Cadets seems to be better, due to me pretending to be ecstatically happy. Which has been working very well. Sargeant Humphreys actually commented on my uplifting mood. =/

There's just too much that time cannot erase...

There's only one thing that keeps me here, and life isn't it. More death.

Rambling on again...

Cadets has been better, but still rather painful. Two of the girls, Sargeant Humphreys' sister and her idiotic friend have been calling me Emo.

The C.I.'s found out and told Lundregan. So on Thursday he approached me, asking if anything was the matter. I lied through my teeth and told him I was fine. He found out the truth on Saturday though.

I wasn't speaking, and said I'd lost my voice. Fools believed me. Apart from Lundregan, Bliszko, and Gumery, that is. Bag packing, which was okay, except I was really ill.

Then we were to wash up for The Battle Of The Saints dinner in the night. That was fun. :S As the evening wore on, I became really angry, and was throwing things around, giving Bliszko and Humphreys horrible looks when they asked if I was okay. Whoops. :S Eventually, I walked out, into the bathroom next foor with Shelly and Sophie. God, I lost my temper big time. I threw a few punches at the wall, but had to walk out, because I'd almost completely lost control by that point. I went outside, to where all the Sargeants were, Langman, Humphreys and Bliszko were. They saw my hand, and told Gumery. Gumery acted like I'd just chopped my hand off, I swear. He went running off for Lundregan, who, by that point in the night, was fairly tipsy. I wouldn't show Lundregan my hand, and he threatened to take me to the hospital if I didn't show him. SO then it was the icepack or A&E.

I'd calmed down a bit, but still shouted at him. I knew that as soon as I started talking, I'd break down and tell him everything. Which I did. God, I should have just stayed silent. I wish I had. He wants me to tell Squadron Leader Timothy. Tomothy's also Deputy Wing Commander. Which means official interference. I told him I'd already tried, but the school and my mother lied about it. Typical. He told me alot about himself. Humphreys is really worried about me, and I thought he was gonna start crying when I saw him after I'd talked to Lundregan. He lookedso upset, and he's so worried, love him. Still, they don't need to worry for much longer. I'll sort it out. Shelly'll help me. We'll sort it out together. Together forever.

I'm in deep shit with my parents. They're constantly threatening me. And I can't get to Cadets tonight. If I don't turn up, Lundregan's gonna get Child Protection involved. Shit.

I've been rumbled...

I've had exams all of this week, and am therefore exhausted. Ill also.

Cadets has become a nightmare. A few of the girls and two of the boys confronted me about my arm. Hastily saying it was my cat, I dismissed the subject, and laughed when they called me emo.

They all found out. Sargeant Lundregan, Sargeant Humphreys, C.I. Williams, C.I. Walsh. So Lundregan asked me about Tuesday, Humphrey's threatened to tell Lundregan the truth, so I quickly explained that Pilot Officer Johnson already knew. And he does. Sort of.

Lundregan now guesses but won't say anything, and the two girls that were calling me names are trying to be very nice to me, because Humphreys probably warned them, and I'm trying to hide my unhappiness from everyone.

Schoo's been okay, but crap. The popular girls have been laughing at me, because I'm not pretty or thin enough to go out with a guy on the rugby team. They talk about me, snigger and call me names. The boys are marginally better, but some guys are just pricks theough and through, and nothing will ever change them. I give up on them.

My "happiness" is built like a house of playing cards. One wrong card, one name, one ruour, one glance, and the whole rickety pile collapses.

I should be happy. I am. To a degree. I'm happy with my boyfriend, but unhappy with everything else. Can a single thing like demand my complete and utter happiness?

Shit.

I Am Dead.

Back On Track?

I had a breakdown in school last week. I had to walk out of Media class. But thankfully, my teacher sent Sophia out with me. I realised from that breakdown, that a boy in my class liked me. I'm now seeing him. Not bad, huh?

Things at home are really bad right now. Mum and Steve are being really bitchy, and I'm not sure what to do. I can't tell anyone, because I'll be accused of being a liar again. I'm sick of them dictating what type of person I should be, how to act, right down to the minutest details, what to do, how to behave.

I want to be my own person, not to conform to conventional society, or my parents' expectations of how I should be.

I'm a proper cadet now. :) Which helps a lot, it gets me away from the house, and it annoys Steve no end, because he's in the army, and I'm the R.A.F. Cadets. I find it quite funny.

I went shooting on Saturday with some of the cadets, which was really fun, except the fact that my shoulders and back now kill.

Seeing another boy that isn't Darren now. Haahaa.

Starting to come out of the whole cycle of depression thing. Which is good. Except the fact that now that I have my uniform, I have to wear short sleeves, and my arms do have some cuts on them that haven't healed yet. I just hope they'll believe me when I say that it was the cat. :S